Finalization Day - Two Years Later

 On this day two years ago, the courts made official what God saw before I was even born.  This divine appointment solidified our union with this precious soul.

To be honest, I forgot.  I forgot because there are so many special parts of Emily's story. There is the part where we found out about her.  Then there is the part when she came into the world.

I forgot today but there are things i'll never forget.

I'll never forget her Birth Mom's face. I tear up thinking about it.  I'll never forget when she said, "Go hold your baby", after Emily was born.  I'll never forget what a fulfilled promise feels like.

Everyday I look at my daughter and can't believe how amazing she is.

But even two years later, my heart still breaks a little bit. There is a sadness to adoption, a guilt that is hard to shake.  You see, while this day is a cause for celebration in my heart, it will be a slight reminder of loss to my precious daughter one day.  She will one day realize that in a perfect world, she would have stayed with her first mother. She would know her original father and never have to wonder if they are thinking about her.

There will be wounds that arise that I cannot heal. But that isn't my role in this at all.  My role, my reason for being in her life, is to bring her to the feet of Jesus daily and allow Him to show her his redeeming plan.

I dream of a day in Heaven where she will be whole. I pray her birth family will be there with her and she will get to experience life with them.

So today we remember her becoming ours, but everyday we live out becoming us.

Hurricane Ezra

It's been awhile since I've blogged because well, toddlers.

As my son turned one last week, I fell into a state of reflection.  How had it been a whole year already? At the same time, Hurricane Irma was barreling toward Flordia, my home.

In my reflection on his birthday, I felt as if the effects or a hurricane are much like how our family felt when Ezra arrived.  Yes, it felt like a hurricane.

My labor and his delivery were perfect, much like days at the beach before a storm rolls in.  Shortly after though, it was clear that it wouldn't be as smooth sailing as before.  There were nursing issues, newborn testing issues and Ezra was born with a lip and tongue tie. All manageable but when your baby screams because his mouth isn't working right to nurse and you don't have that much supply, it can be very frustrating. Very.  Throw an 18-month old in the mix and in some ways she was like the little tornadoes that pop up in midst of the hurricanes.  Ezra's first two weeks home, Emily got her first ear infection followed by Hand, Foot and Mouth. Then I got the flu and the stomach bug.  Nursed and pumped through all of it.   Oh and, no one was sleeping.

Eventually, it was time to go back to work. At the same time, our family grew so did our church.  To manage both things, some parts of my life had to go and so the winds of the storm came in.  I was either nursing, changing a diaper, pumping, working(and pumping there too, many times on my way to Vandy for hospital visits) or preparing to do it all over again.  I guess you could say this is when I started to feel like I was at the mercy of the wind again.

I felt like the "wind" did cause some damage in my life.  Friendships that weren't rooted fell.  I was trying to survive and I had nothing left for anyone else.  I still don't feel like all of them have recovered. There is no time to talk on the phone, if I have any free time, I want to see my kids but at the same time I also need "me' time but there is guilt because they are always with someone else. As they age and there are more waking hours, this fades a bit but I lost friends.

Then there is rain. The rain represents tears. I spent many hours in Ezra's room, trying to feed him through tears and singing, "I need thee every hour".  Nursing is no joke.  My friend Amanda was an incredible support to me during this time. She came over almost every day to help me get the hang of it.  I made it 8 months and then I just couldn't anymore.

In hurricanes, you put up sandbags to protect your house. I've put on sandbags on my thighs and waist. :) I don't look or feel my best, just like a house isn't sell-worthy when it is prepped for a hurricane. However, after the storm is gone, you put the sandbags away. I finally feel like I can start to do that.

Then there is flooding. I felt flooded but not in a bad way.  I felt flooded by God's grace and God's presence.  Never once did I feel abandoned by Him. I constantly felt Him saying, "Breathe, I love you". I was flooded by grace from my husband.  I couldn't invest in him at all and he fostered no resentment.  I was flooded by grace of some close friends that continued to support me.  Like my friend Jen, that took off work to come to my house while my husband was gone and be with my screaming baby so I could shower and have a minute alone.  Grace.

Hurricanes can be refining in a way.  While they tear down, they make a way for new things to begin.  Just a house is restored or built, a new me has been constructed.   Hear me in this, my Ezra is an absolute blessing but I can't ignore how much his presence swept away what was and made a way for new growth in me. It was hard in the beginning but there is so much beauty in the rebuilding.  It is difficult to watch things deteriorate but amazing to see that things that withstand the storm winds.

My treasure was also my tragedy and there is beauty in both because they became trail to this new stage in my life.  This stage is loud, busy and messy but I wouldn't trade it for the world.