Invaded by Insecurity.

It happened again last night at church. Right in the 4th row, I began to unravel.

Distracted yet again, while three women I love shared their experience. 

They were asked to share their experience with  staying home or working and that is when the record scratched in my soul. 

There I was invaded yet again, by feelings of doubt, shame and assumed judgment.  

When people ask me about finding their call or what they should do, I always say, "Do what makes you come alive. Do the thing that when you're in it, you feel closer to Jesus". 

This is how I feel in serving in ministry.  I am more alive and most of the time, I feel pretty good about that. I will feel joy and gratitude that I get to be on the front lines and watch children meet Jesus. I have a hand in telling them the amazing works of our Creator for the first time. How lucky am I that I get to speak into creating places where kids experience God in a way they will never forget? I also feel really good about eating lunch with adults and other perks of working. I feel blessed to be invited to lead. 

That is until the place where someone else has been invited into is highlighted and I feel like mine is overlooked. 

I know that I am serving and doing E X A C T L Y what the Lord made me to do. I try not to take that for granted. 

That is until someone else talks about what the Lord made them to do and then I question everything. 

Last night, when the women shared their experiences about taking a break from work, I was floored with uncertainty.  

I asked the Lord, "Did I hear you wrong, is that what I am supposed to be doing right now? Should I be staying home?"

He replied, "Talk to me about supposed to".  

This was about what supposed to implies. It implies that something is expected.  *Insert the plight of meeting others expectations and being an Enneagram 3w2 here. 

It was almost like the words He spoke to Eve in the garden, "Who told you...".  I felt the Lord saying, "Who told you that was the expectation for you in this season? It wasn't me. You need to remember what I have spoken over you in this season. "

You see, when I am hit with feelings supposed to, I forget that I have spoken to by the Spirit. 

While the panel was going, I asked the Lord to help me resolve this in my head and deal with where this comes from and the word He illuminated for me was insecurity. 

By definition, insecurity means uncertainty or anxiety about oneself.  I would add uncertainty about where God has you and why.  

We can be real sure until we forget, right?  

While being vulnerable with a new friend last night, I shared that I think the beauty of the uncertainty comes when we place ourselves in a posture of asking the Lord what He wants through us and for us in every season or arena. 

Whether we are in the laundry room or the board room, the position of our heart should be the same.  

It's remembering the old hymn, "Take my life and let it be, consecrated Lord to thee".  

I want that to be my posture. However, I probably need to add a line in that stanza. 

"Take my life and let it be, consecrated Lord to thee. Take my life and let it be and Lord help me manage the expectations I think people have of me." 

Maybe you chose the season you're in and maybe you didn't.

Maybe, it's not about the season at all but it's about surrendering all. 

Yes, of that, I am certain. 

Holy Hashbrowns

 I was single parenting this weekend so on Friday, I decided to grab a friend and haul down with my tiny humans to IKEA.  At the time, I thought it was a good idea. It was touch and go but we made it.

My kids work up early and had an early breakfast so on the way, we stopped at McDonald's for coffees.

I decided to get my kids some hashbrowns to hold them over until lunch. Before you judge me... actually, just don't. :)

I gave Emily her hashbrown right away in the paper sleeve because she knows how to take small bites and wait until it's cooled off a little bit. She can handle it.

I broke a piece off of Ezra's, blew on it and handed it to him. He looked at what she had and back at what I was offering and screamed, "no!" and smacked it out of my hand. I told him that I wasn't picking it up and that now he gets a smaller piece.

I immediately told my friend that I feel like that is a picture of how I am with God. He wants to give me something and deliver it in a way that I can handle and when it doesn't look like the person next to me, I want to smack it out of His hand.

She replied, "And when we do that, we experience less than what we would have had in the first place".

That'll preach.

I could say so much about this but I think I'll just leave you with the questions that I haven't been able to shake.

What is God handing you that you are trying to smack out of Hand maybe because it doesn't look like what someone else has or it's not how you wanted it? 

What are you missing out on because of your expectations?

Don't know?

Ask Him.

Now and Then

"I've been there", I said as I was talking to a young person who was feeling the desire to hurt themselves.

Fighting back tears, I shared, "I was 13 and I remember being the bathroom with a razor in my hand, looking at my arm and wondering if cutting myself would make the pain go away".

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Recently, the Lord brought me into this moment and I was overwhelmed with emotion at the weight of it all and the weight of the way Jesus rescued me.  This young friend of mine had been looking at Psalm 139 and how we are fearfully and wonderfully made but my friend didn't feel that way.  My friend didn't know that in Psalm 139, David also writes that all of our days are ordained or planned for a purpose.

When I shared the moment of my own breaking point, it was like the last 20 years of my life rolled in my mind of a highlight reel of God's blessing. I would have never met one of my best friends, Alicia. I would have never gone to Johnson, I would have never planned one Sunday, retreat or camp.

 I would have never fallen in love with Sully and I would have never held my miracle babies. All of my amazingly ordained days would have been stolen from me.

"The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy but I have come that you may have LIFE and have it abundantly." - John 10:10

"Just hold on, it's worth it.", I said.

The now my friend is living in is dark and hard and not at all what would you hope for someone you love. But praise God for the then.

The Israelites were facing the Red Sea and front of them and Pharaoh's army behind them but then God split the sea.  The three Hebrew boys were thrown into the fire but then there was a fourth. There was a woman that was sick for years but then, with a touch, she was healed. There was a Savior who was dead in a grave but then, He rose.

I was 13, living in so much disobedience and darkness but then God saved me. I felt broken, lonely and forgotten while we waited for children but then God changed my faith. I was depressed, anxious and hopeless and then God healed me.

You see, God is in the business of taking our dark now and turn it into something amazing because then.

And after God stops the storm in your life...and He will, after God moves on your behalf, after the then, your dark now will become light.

 I was blind but now I see.
 I was lost but now I am found.
 I was dead and now I am alive.

Part 3: Sharpening

If you know me, you know that I...."have a lot of words".

I love to talk and I love to write.  If you have joined me on this blog journey for any length of time, you know that I have a desire to write more but I just don't have the inspiration all the time.  I have a dream of being published in print one day. Until that happens though, I've got this blog and a Young Authors award from St. Lucie County Schools that I racked up in 4th grade to show for it. 

This week, I have been unpacking what God did in my heart through the IF:Gathering. 

(You can check out Part 1 and Part 2 here)

It was Friday night and the fiesty Australian woman was on the stage. She will cut you but in a good way, with scripture. 

Speaking about amazing things that God's people did, she said, "If you want to accomplish a dream God gave you, you're going to need God to do it."  

You know those montages in movies, like when people are dying, and their whole life plays out before their eyes?  That is what that moment was like. 

God connected what He was teaching me about together putting(part 1) His words and staying(part 2) in the season He has me with a dream He placed on my heart. 

Could it be, that the reason my well of spiritual words flows infrequently is that I am not sinking in and sitting in uncomfortable places long enough to together put what God has for me? 

The world does not need one more opinion, it needs hope. Hope is born out of struggle and maybe just maybe God needs me to stay in seasons where I struggle to give testimony to the hope He gives.

But that's messy and sometimes it hurts. 

It was Saturday night and I was home coloring with Emily. We usually use crayons but this time we pulled out the color pencils. 

She handed me the pink one and I began to sharpen it. The shavings fell. 

Emily looked at the shavings and looked back at me. "Mama, why is that a mess?" 

Without thinking, I replied, "Because that's what happens when we sharpen things."

Whoop, there it is. 

SHOOK. DED. Insert all the trendy phrases.  The Lord hit me. 

Pencils are sharpened by cutting and shaving and it's messy and if the pencil could feel, I bet it would be painful.  Putting God's words into action in your life and staying in what He has for you is sometimes messy but you for sure come out sharper. And, to be honest, I need the Lord to remove the parts of me that are less like Him anyway. 

As I am frantically writing down the exchange that just unfolded,  I look over at Emily and she's trying to sharpen the pink pencil again. Notice the again, we are going to get worn down more than once and will need sharpened more than one. 

She looks up at me and says, "Mama, I don't know how to sharpen this, will you help me?"

My face felt heavy and my eyes felt watery.  

It was almost like God whispered, "Right there, that's what I want from you. Seek what I am doing, put it together in your heart, stay in it and ask me to help."  

Friend, would you do that with me? 

Whatever messy place God is calling you to stay in, would you pray, "God, I don't know how to sharpen this season. Will you help me?"

Part 2: Staying

So here we are. Part 2.

Part 1 came quickly.  God had been rolling the ideas around for a few weeks so the telling was easy.

I don't really want to write part 2, though. Part 2 is the middle. Part 2 is the section where I admit fault and weakness.  I'd really like to just go ahead and write Part 3 because that's where God helped me together put(weird grammar, I know. Read part 1, you'll get it). 

I can't tell you word for word what the ladies said this weekend because I don't remember everything and well, I wouldn't say it as good as they did.  I'd love to grab coffee and show you the pages of notes with the phrases I jotted down but each one of them have the same word.

STAY.

Just typing the word, I am cut again. And, I know. You're probably wondering what is going on in my life that is allowing this word to cut me and change me but maybe this time, maybe for this next few minutes, you open your heart to the idea that this word could be for you too. So just pause, take a breath and let the word simmer. 

STAY.

It could be relationships, jobs, ministries or communities you are in and they are just messy right now. Preferably, you would tap out and be on your merry way. Let's be real and admit that there are some seasons where God might be asking you to stay and you really just don't want to.  But you don't understand, it hurts. I know. I do.  And honestly, just so we're clear. Sometimes you should go. But what if we just asked God first?  That's what Jesus did right? In the garden, remember?  The cross was going to hurt. His heart was going to break, His friends were about to let Him down and He asked God if there was any.other.way. (Matthew 26:39) and then He stayed. Knowing pain was coming, He stayed. You may be in a toxic place and you may need to leave. Your season might be done but can we just agree to ask God first?

So, we get to these seasons where it just seems like it would be easier to give up. Oswald Chambers says we get to these places where, "We'd prefer to choose the scenery of our sacrifice".  RUDE. 

This weekend, we were reminded of people who, through strength of the Spirit, did hard and seemingly foolish things and God was glorified. (1Peter 4:11)

But like, what if?

What if Noah had grown tired of building a boat in a bone dry desert?
What if Moses had just dropped his arms because I imagine that got really exhausting?
What if Esther would have fled at the idea of Hebrew annhilation?
What if Paul would have closed up shop after the first beating?

God built amazing things through people that stayed.

God gave amazing grace through Jesus, who stayed.  

"If you are the Son of God, save yourself and come down off that cross". They shouted at him. (Matt. 27:40).

Through the staying and the breaking on the cross, God built something amazing.

He built redemption.

He built a way to take us from garden fallen to grace forgiven. From weary slaves to the holy saved. From wanderers to worshippers. From entering to Promise Land to holding His Promised Hand.  

Remember the puzzle from part 1? If you tap out or give up until God is done building in your season, you might never get the pieces(or truth) you need to together put what God is doing in your life.

It's worth it. Scripture promises this in Romans 8:18. Something beautiful is coming. His glory is coming.

STAY.

Part 1: Understanding.

Recently, my friend Maggie brought to my attention a scripture that she had come across that left her unsettled. She's a smart girl and deeply loves the Lord so I was intrigued to hear what stumped her.

It's the parable of the sower. If you don't know it, it's a story Jesus tells about the condition of our hearts in relation to His message. But in Matthew 13:19, Jesus says, "Whoever hears about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in their heart." 

Upon hearing the verse, I became unsettled as well.  Wait, so the enemy can do that? What?!

I began to do a little digging.  Time to dust off that Bible degree a bit, right? The New Testament was written in Greek so to get the full nuance, you have to look at the scripture in the original language.

The operative word in that text is "understand".  You see the Greek word there is syniemi. It's a pairing of two words, syn meaning together and heimi meaning to put.  So understanding is literally together putting. The word picture that the people smarter than me explain, is that of putting a puzzle together. The idea is that understanding means to put the words of God together and see how they fit with the rest of what God is doing in your life.

We've all done puzzles before right? You dump all the pieces out on the table before you start and individually, they are easily scattered but once they are placed and connected to the rest of the picture, they are locked in.  Ya know, and it seems that the more complicated the puzzle, the more pieces(or truth) you will need to complete it. But there the pieces sit out and exposed on the table until we put them together and anyone, the toddler, the dog, the well-meaning friend or the enemy can come and just pick them off piece by piece.

So can we agree that the truth that can be snatched is the truth we don't lock in?

This weekend while streaming the IF: Gathering,  it was evident to me that I needed to do some understanding. I needed to lock a few things into place. You know what else you do when you are putting a puzzle together?

Pay attention to every detail.

I texted my boss this afternoon and told him that I would like to be exempt from all conferences in the future. Not really but when you are leaning in at a conference and examining every part, you see things you don't notice when you aren't focused.  We're filled up at conferences because we have a posture of leaning in and examining. Better yet, can we say that we have a posture of understanding or together putting the truths of God?

But can I just get real, real with y'all? 

I did not need to be leaning in at the IF: Gathering. I did not need to be examining these last two days. I'd like to tell you it's because I am super holy and have no understanding or together putting  to do but that is not the case.

God shouted at me. Not really, but He sure was blunt.

Shoot. Now I am accountable for what I know. Dang, that's annoying sometimes. Can I say that?

I mean, I just did this. A few weeks ago, God spoke and I had to confess some things and it's just annoying, this human condition.

So here I am hearing God and needing to confess some things because if I don't lock this in, I run the risk of needing it sown in my heart again.

Quite frankly, it wouldn't be the first time I have had to learn the same lesson twice.

But it would really be great if I could get this one on the first try. 

Cup of Happy.

We're friends right?

So you believe me when I say that I write as I feel led.  Just this morning, I was getting ready and thought, I really wish I could write more often.  But the truth is, the world doesn't really need one more opinion.  So for whatever the reason, I write when prompting from the Holy Spirit comes. When it comes on, it's super obvious and impossible to ignore.

It's usually just lessons for me, that you watch while I learn them.

Every once in a while though, God gives me something that might actually be for you, dear friend.

Five minutes ago, I got one.

I have these two friends, Becky and Amy. Just typing their names, my heart pricks because I miss them so much. They're sisters and before I left WellSpring, they gave me a mug. It's my favorite mug. One, because I love coffee and two because it is from them.

Just now as I was pouring the precious caffeine into the cup, I thought about my friends. I thought to myself, That is the special thing about gifts, every time you use them, you remember the person who gave them and feel joy. 

If you didn't catch the spiritual meaning of my seemingly passing thought, then let me spell it out for you. 

It's no secret that I have a deep conviction and call to help people figure out what their redeemed purpose is or what good work they were created in God's image to do. I've taught kids, students and adults on this topic and I think it's even the answer to why we exist in the first place.

You were created with a unique gift and personal passion to use for something bigger than yourself. In the church circle, we call these spiritual gifts. There are tests and studies you can do but finding them is a sermon for another time.  If you have time, check out Romans 12 and Ephesians 2 for some Bible back up. 

Can we take a peek at Ephesians 2:10 though, "For we are God's handiwork(and by the way, that's everyone from the unborn child to the criminal on death row) created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." You have a purpose that was designed for you before you took your first breath. 

Yesterday, I posted on Insta about the joy I feel when I am leading kids in worship. Sunday was a hard day and a time or two, I fought back tears but when I got up to lead the kids and sang, I remembered Jesus. I felt joy.  There is no doubt that connecting people to Jesus is my gift and my calling but sometimes, things get foggy.  

However, That is the special thing about gifts, every time you use them, you remember the person who gave them and feel joy. 

When you are using the gifts you were given, you remember the One who gave them and it really is like you're drinking a cup of happy. 

Forgetting and Remembering.

I've been here before.

I am waking up in a spiritual groundhog day type scenario because I have forgotten.

You see there is a lesson, or a practice rather, that I have been taught more than once and yet I have forgotten.

Like the Israelites did with 12 stones, I too, have set reminders in my path to remember and yet I have forgotten. The children God gave me, their middle names were given to remind me of God's faithfulness in my life.

Yet, once again, I have forgotten.

Our family is in a season of seeking and waiting and I wish I could write that I am cool and it's NBD.

I may be impatient but I'm not a liar. :)

I've started three paragraphs so far of what to say next and have deleted each one because quite frankly, I am bummed that I haven't mastered a skill just yet. I go back and forth on who this blog is really for? Is it you the reader or really just me trying to learn my own lessons?

This week, I have found myself anxious, foggy and scattered.

Remember before cable? You remember the snowy channels in between networks?  That's what I feel when I can't see the clear picture of what God has in store.

In our house, we watch a little Disney. Okay, full disclosure, we watch A LOT of Disney.  This afternoon during one of our "let's sing all the Disney songs we know" episodes, one scene from Aladdin kept replaying in my mind.

You know it. It's the one where Aladdin is pretending to be Prince Ali and wants to get Jasmine to join him on an adventure on the magic carpet.  She asks if it's safe. He holds out his hand and says, "Do you trust me?" It catches Jasmine's attention because it's not the first time she's heard THOSE words from HIS voice.

She asks "Prince Ali" to repeat himself and he says it again and this time she's sure because she remembers that when she heard it before, she was safe.   

Just today, I told someone that when I am not in control of what is going on, I don't feel safe. 

This afternoon it was like the Prince of Peace was inviting me on an adventure and once again asking, "Do you trust me?"

Then I remembered.

I remembered that He has always been present.
I remembered that closed doors and unmet expectations were not silence but grace.
I remembered that every time He asks me to trust Him, He gives me a reason to believe Him for the next one. 

I remembered to just sit, remain and abide.

In John 15, Jesus tells us that He is the vine and we are the branches. We're reminded we can do nothing without him so we're told to sit, remain and abide. But have you ever caught verse 4? Jesus says that every branch that bears fruit will be pruned. That sounds painful and uncomfortable and if we're honest it is, right?

You know what pruning does to plants though? It allows them to grow. 

So here I am, feeling the pruning again because Jesus knows I need to grow.

<3

What Is It?

This last year of my life has felt so different.  You see, in my past God has used very clear, grand gestures or occurrences to speak to me. Maybe it's because I’d be blind or deaf to it otherwise. Yeah, I am pretty sure that’s why. 

My history with God has played out a certain way. It started when I was in my time of wandering. In the depths of my disobedience, God spoke to me through the clearest dream, I’d ever had.  When God called me into ministry- it was the first time I felt that Jeremiah fire. I didn’t even know what kind of ministry, just that if I did not get out of my seat at CIY for that call, I would burst.  I had that same fire feeling when the Lord told me to go into Children’s Ministry. Then after our season of waiting for kids, God moved heaven and earth to align for Emily to come into our lives. The details of that story are, to this day, the most ordained thing I have ever walked through.  The surprise of Ezra and then the way the Lord called us here to Savannah, all of it so clearly the hand of the Creator.

But y’all in the last year that has paused and I have missed it dearly.  Up until now, I haven’t been able to put my finger on it. You see, I haven’t felt that God was distant or not moving on my behalf. 

No, that’s not it. 

I haven’t felt that obvious and holy burn and my ability to voice what God is doing in my heart has felt locked up, like all my words are gone. At times I have even felt confused and questioning, “Am I still hearing?” 

It’s just different. I feel like I am in a season of Manna. I don’t necessarily mean provision even though the Lord is doing that each day, of course. No, I mean the literal meaning of manna, which is, “what is it?”. 

What is it that the Lord is asking of me?

What is it that I need to learn?

What is it that the Lord wants to do through me?

What is it, the reason He so clearly called my family here?

Please don’t read this as a negative because I am not sure it is. Sure, I love the simplicity of obeying when things are obvious. I loved the way that relationship worked. God would speak and I would obey.  It’s harder for me to be disobedient in the obvious. 

I am not a resolution person and I don’t usually pick a word for the year. No reason really but I just don’t. This year though, I felt like I needed to.  It was January and I hadn’t thought about it at all. I have friends that search and pray for days for their word.  That is not how mine came. I opened up my Bible app and the verse of the day was, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart”.

There it was, my word.  Seek.   I thought then that the word was given so that I would seek His hand in my marriage, seek His hand in my parenting, my ministry and in the unknowns or harder places of my life. But I realize today that, the word and the verse were given but not really for those reasons. I thought the goal was just to see the hand of God in each part of my life but here as I sit and type in a parking lot, it’s more than that.  It's not just evidence of His work. No, it's clear to me that it's HIM that I need to seek without agenda. 

I don’t believe this season will be one of burning bushes or pillars by day and night.  No, this season won’t be the Jeremiah 20:9 season where it feels like obvious fire I can't ignore. No, this is my 9 chapters later Jeremiah.  This is my 29:13 seeking and finding with all of my heart season. 

Today, I was in Downtown Savannah and there was a parade happening in honor of Dr. King.  I don’t know my way around this new place super well and I was trying to get home and I kept getting blocked by one -way streets and baracades because of a parade. I didn’t mind though because I was listening to Annie's Remember God book so I wasn’t in a hurry. I just drove around the squares and one ways just searching for the road that would take me to where I needed to go.  At each intersection, I paused and looked to right and then to the left to see if that’s where things were moving.  The parade was in full swing and celebration could easily be heard but it grew quieter as I moved further away.  There were fewer cars and pedestrians and everyone going this way was doing the same thing, searching for the way home. 

Then the flow of traffic stopped. I looked ahead to see that police were getting ready to open the street, open the road. But before they did, a street sweeper came through to clear the road of what had just transpired. It hit me metaphorically, almost instantly.  

Sometimes we seek God so He can "sweep" some things out.  He could tell us but maybe sometimes, He wants us to hunt because it’s in the hunting or the seeking that we find Him. 

This season is about digging in, doubling down and doing the work to see literally, what it is that God would have me do in this season of my life.

This is the season where I have to pray more and try to control less.
This is the season where I listen more and hopefully, say less.
This is the season where I Isaiah 30:21. "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way; walk in it". 

So here I am, seeking and trusting that I will find God in new ways with a whole heart.