Stealing Their Joy

We did not have the ultrasound yesterday but we did have an appointment!

 The pregnancy counselor from Bethany was there, which is really good.  That gave us peace to know that She is moving forward with the process.   We heard the heartbeat.
That was the first time we heard  Halle's little heart beat. We saw it on the first ultrasound but this time we heard it.  Amazing.

She introduced us to the doctor as "Mom and Dad" of the baby. To which he replied, "Welcome to the team".   Genius. This is a team and we all have the common goal to provide for this baby.

She started telling us about how some of her family is not thrilled with her adoption plan. She told them that it is her decision and they don't get a say.  Her family started talking about the hospital and who would be there. Someone mentioned that they would like to be there with her and She replied, "Even if I don't keep the baby?" and they said, "well, no".

Then She replied, "Well then I don't want you there stealing their joy".

Later that day She and I talked about the hospital. She wants us there! She called to ask if we want them to feed the baby formula first or breast milk.  Through the generosity of other women, I am going to be able to give our baby breast milk!  She said that I would get a bracelet and that would allow me to actually take the baby. Is this real life? Even typing the words, "take the baby" make my stomach feel weird. It's like I drank a cocktail of happiness, guilt and confusion.

 I still can't picture myself with the hospital bracelet but I am trusting God for it.

Yesterday I didn't really know what I wanted to write in this update. As I opened my computer this morning, I still didn't know what I was going to write. I was thinking through the appointment and it hit me.

I have been so scared and fearful. Its a type of fear that I can't really explain. Just a general feeling of risk and exposure to personal pain but She said joy.  I need to let joy in.  It is crazy that She understands we should be joyful even in a hard time for her.  I am allowed to have joy.  It was almost like her words gave my heart permission.  She wants us to be happy about this. 

I cannot find a word for the emotion I feel but there is a picture.

Sacrifice.
God gave us Jesus so we could live in a place where the enemy can't steal our joy.
When we think about what they did to our Lord and it brings us to tears, remember He wants us to be happy about this. 

Be praying for Her and Halle. 

And if you don't know Jesus- I would love to tell you about Him. 

Struggling

I have been struggling to pray.  I have been struggling to trust.

If I fervently pray for a desire of my heart and it doesn't happen, I have to deal with that.
 If I (foolishly) avoid telling God what is on my heart, I believe that I am somehow less invested.

I want to want Jesus more than anything this world has to offer, even the good things like parenting.
I struggle with feeling like my priorities are messed up if I pour out my desire to be a mom.
If I am more desperate for God to give us a child than I am for God to make me more like Christ, I feel guilt.

It is even hard for me to address her by name because I feel that weaves the idea of her into my heart even more.

I am happy, I am excited but I am also afraid.

But the Lord speaks to us through his Holy Spirit.

This is what I read this morning from Oswald Chambers, emphases added.

Luke 18:41- "What do you want me to do for you?" "Lord, I want to see," he replied.

----Is there something in your life that not only disturbs you, but makes you a disturbance to others? If so, it is always something you cannot handle yourself. “Then those who went before warned him that he should be quiet; but he cried out all the more . . .” (Luke 18:39). Be persistent with your disturbance until you get face to face with the Lord Himself. Don’t deify common sense. To sit calmly by, instead of creating a disturbance, serves only to deify our common sense. When Jesus asks what we want Him to do for us about the incredible problem that is confronting us, remember that He doesn’t work in commonsense ways, but only in supernatural ways.
Look at how we limit the Lord by only remembering what we have allowed Him to do for us in the past. We say, “I always failed there, and I always will.” Consequently, we don’t ask for what we want. Instead, we think, “It is ridiculous to ask God to do this.” If it is an impossibility, it is the very thing for which we have to ask. If it is not an impossible thing, it is not a real disturbance. And God will do what is absolutely impossible.
This man received his sight. But the most impossible thing for you is to be so closely identified with the Lord that there is literally nothing of your old life remaining. God will do it if you will ask Him. But you have to come to the point of believing Him to be almighty. We find faith by not only believing what Jesus says, but, even more, by trusting Jesus Himself. If we only look at what He says, we will never believe. Once we see Jesus, the impossible things He does in our lives become as natural as breathing. The agony we suffer is only the result of the deliberate shallowness of our own heart. We won’t believe; we won’t let go by severing the line that secures the boat to the shore— we prefer to worry.

So that is where I am.  I keep giving myself barriers to cross before I give myself over to joy.  It's like, "once _____ happens, I'll do this and once ______happens, I will feel better."  

It is just hard to trust God for something that isn't guaranteed.  

We have an ultrasound on the 22nd and I can't wait to see Halle again.