I've wanted to tell you.

There are so many things I have wanted to tell all of you.

A baby changes everything.

So now, as she sleeps with the quiet hum of the noise machine, I will share.

I've wanted to tell you how in shock I was in the beginning.  I was so disoriented and scared. Scared that I couldn't do it, scared it was too hard.  My life was immediately different and I didn't feel like me. I didn't feel safe.  Then I felt guilt.  I learned early in my life that the darkness that the enemy tries to bring loses it's power when it is exposed to light.  So I exposed my feelings to an online adoption group. Within minutes, I had over 100 comments and messages from other women who had experienced the same thing.  Turns out what I was experiencing was completely normal. It is amazing how much better I felt when I opened up!

I've wanted to tell you how much I love my husband. I have wanted a baby since I was one myself. Before Emily came, I wondered if she would effect my love for Sully or if I would have to work at making him first in my heart.  Maybe it's different with adoption but she has effected it.  I didn't think I could love my husband more than I already did.  His love for Emily Ann has caused me to fall for him even more.  He has been so giving and helpful!  I am blessed to be his wife.

I've wanted to tell you how much I miss Her. Emily Ann's birthmother and I went from texting several times every day to hardly any contact.  This is how it was planned but after going through this process together, delivering the sweet baby together and bonding, it is hard.  I think about Her all the time. I want to share every new moment with Her but I can't. I think She is the strongest and bravest woman I know.  I truly love Her.  Until you have a relationship with a birthmother, I am not sure you can ever really grasp the dynamic of the relationship. No, it isn't rainbows all the time. There are fears  and insecurities, ways she and I live differently but we are bonded for life.  She could have chosen to not bring Emily into this world but instead she decided to give up her world to give me mine.  

Most of all, I have wanted to tell you that The Lord hears you.
Those of you that prayed for us, The Lord heard you.
Those of you that are going through something, The Lord hears you.
Those of you that are waiting, I promise, The Lord hears you.