Exposed

I heard a lot and read a lot about adoption when we first started this journey.  Those who have gone before me talked about all the emotions we would feel. They talked about the ups and downs, the joys and the risks.  However, they left something out. No one told us that we would feel completely exposed.

You may be thinking, "you have a blog and share everything, doesn't that feeling come from you?".

I am not talking about our journey as a whole being exposed. I am talking about all the private parts of your heart and opinions being put through a microscope and not just by the agency or agencies in our case.   Between the agencies and people in your life, you start to feel like nothing is off limits to those outside your home.

Disclaimer: This may come out snarky and there is no doubt that these things were not said from a negative place. I am just writing what may be helpful to the next girl on the journey.
In a time where it seems privacy is jumping off a cliff, some things should still be reserved for a couple.

Our Exposure

-When we tell people we are adopting, OFTEN their follow-up statement is, "Oh, you can't have kids?".

1) What if I don't want to share that part of my life with you?
2) What if you have kids and I asked you, "Oh, what position did you use to conceive?"


-Have you tried...?
1) If we have not solicited your advice on building our family, it can be discouraging to hear things like this. One person told me three times that I just need to try acupuncture even after I told her that wasn't the path we were pursuing.

-When we met Her and people heard she had other kids, the questions was, "How could she separate her children?'

1) What am I supposed to say to that?
2) No birth mom ever takes the decision lightly. Ever.

There are too many to list but a good rule of thumb is, only say or ask what you would want said to or asked of you.

We have had to fill out stacks and stacks of paper on our view of our spouse and of our family members. We have written essays upon essays on how we feel about different races and what we will do to celebrate the culture of a child who may be of a different race than us. We have had to literally check "yes" or "no" to what circumstances we are open to.  We have had to unpack and hurtful parts of our childhood, bring out bad choices made as teens and leave no leaf unturned.

Should agencies do this? Yes.  Is it exhausting? Yes.  You have to expose the intimate details of your life with people in a way that some will never have to.

And people will try to take advantage of your exposure. "Adoption Consultants" will contact you about possible situations and then when you ask about fees, they bring in the hammer. Most of these folks promise short wait times for the small fee of $30,000-$45,000. Most agencies are around $20,000.

So today I am feeling exposed and tired. More paperwork and more fundraising.

But maybe one day, when tiny fingers wrap around mine, it will all be okay.