Yeah, What Lady GaGa Said.

 14 days, 18 hours, 26 minutes and the seconds pass as I type.

It could be any day now but who knows.

14 days, 18 hours and 24 minutes.

Who's counting?

I search my brain for analogies and word pictures to describe this moment.  I feel differently than I thought I would.

Excited? Yes. Afraid? Yes. Ready? What does that even mean? Is anyone really ready to have the life of a human being in their hands?

The best description I can muster is, the edge.  We are approaching the edge of something.  The end of one moment and the genesis of another.

In the words of the wise theologian Lady GaGa, "I'm on the edge of glory and I'm hanging on a moment of truth. Out on the edge of glory and I'm hanging on a moment with you."

I feel as if I am on the edge of glory.  The opportunity to give God glory in this, this paramount moment in my life no matter how it turns out.  At the same time, She is on the edge of glory.  How She has honored God through this and made the hard choice. How She has trusted Him to redeem this situation in Her life. This approaching moment, this wave drawing near will be an unmatched act of love.  We are on the edge of something.

What always accompanies the edge of glory?

Fear.

God commands us to move in spite of fear.

Build the ark, take Isaac up the mountain, walk through the Red Sea, cross the Jordan, fight Goliath, stand in Nebuchadnezzar's fire, go to Bethlehem, follow Him, get out of the boat, stay awake to pray, see the tomb, touch the nail scars and spread the Word.

God wants us to approach the edges which will give His name the most glory.

Why?

Because we need to be there.  Less of us means more of Him.

"The power to do what we do comes from God." 2 Corinthians 3:5 (NIRV)

The edge of glory is where His power is and I'm blessed to be here.

Brain Whirlwind

This weekend was a whirlwind for me.

As some of you know, I am an advocate for the benefits of Young Living Oils for your health.  A generous friend encouraged me to go to a weekend of training and product education. She even scholarshiped my registration!

The day of the conference, I did not want to go. Wasn't feeling it, what I was feeling was....anxious.

She had not called the doctor,  I hadn't slept great and I just wanted to be alone (which is weird if you know me).  I was scared. Scared of this all slipping away.

I believe God brought Young Living to me at just the right time and uses it in my life at just the right time.

I did not want to distribute YL products. I even told my friend Anita that I would never do it. God opened the doors and I have earned close to $2000 (w/o super trying).  That money has gone straight to Baby Cook fund!

I love learning about natural health.  Surprisingly, my knowledge of natural health comes into play often in my ministry.  This weekend that I wanted to avoid because of anxiety surrounding our future was FULL of information on healing the body with nutrition and supplements.  I geeked out a TON! I feel so equipped to handle the health challenges that may come our way!

If anything else this weekend was an emotional break. I needed it.  God knew that and so did the enemy.

Thursday night, in the middle of a session, She sent me a 2 minute video of the baby in her belly. I could see the little squish moving all over the place. I have never been so amazed at a belly in an Auburn t-shirt.  To whoever spoke on Thursday night at Thrive, I'm sorry- I have no idea what you said. :)

Joy.

Friday, She was supposed to meet with the lawyer at 3pm. I was glad I was going to be in session all day to pass the time.  The meeting got moved up to 11.  At 12:15, She called and gave me some really good news.

Joy.

An hour later She sent me the time and date of a doctors appointment. THANK YOU JESUS!

Joy.

That evening She sent me some of the most precious text messages I have ever received.  I am not going to share them here but just know, God is at work folks.


The Giver lavished many gifts this weekend.  Peace, joy, answers, wellness and abundance all from Him.

Oh and by the way, only 2 more sleeps until we get to see this baby on an ultrasound!

Don't count in sleeps? It's Monday at 2!

Petition?

 
I can't see it.

I can't picture it.  I try to imagine us at the hospital and us with a baby but it is very cloudy, a strain to make anything out.

I keep feeling like this will fail too.  God carried me through that once and I know He can do it again but I can't foresee any other outcomes besides me on the floor crying again.

I am blinded by my fear.

Since December, I have been trying.  Even before I knew about Her, I have tried to count the gifts and number my thanks.  In January, I tried to better understand prayer.  I still have so many questions.   God has a plan laid out but His word tells us that we should plead our cases to Him? Does He truly change His mind or was our petitioning just part of that plan?  I am not sure I will ever grasp how the uniqueness of prayer works. I am not sure we are supposed to.  The throne of God can't be  simplified to a process or system. We can't control it.

I am struggling. Struggling to believe that Jesus would give any other outcome besides the hard one.  I have this thought in my head that I have to go through only hard things to show my love and loyalty to Him.

I find myself not wanting to pray about this or feeling like I am not praying enough.  What does enough prayer even look like?

The Spirit whispered Paul's words to me this morning.

Philippians 4

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God,which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Paul doesn't say that if we petition, we will get our desired outcome.  Instead, he says that if we petition God, He will give us unexplainable peace.

So I will petition for peace. I will practice trading my fear, worry and doubt for what is true, pure and lovely.

Will you join me?

Time with Her.

She asked if I would like to have lunch and spend time just the two of us.  I agreed and we spent the afternoon together.  I was so nervous.  Once I got there, the nervousness went away.  We talked about life, tv and Her puppy.  We went to lunch and talked through what She can do now to let the child know down the road that She did this out of love.  We talked through the hospital and what names we like for the baby.

I asked Her about the day she heard about us and then she showed us this.

 What a little piece of paper can do is amazing.  This post it note was the catalyst for God connecting our life with Hers.

She looked so beautiful to me. I wanted to stay and talk forever.

Just like "Mary treasured these things up in her heart", I am treasuring these things up in mine.

God Sightings

The story that is unfolding for this baby is just so special.

From how we heard about her to today, there are little sightings of God's hand. Its beautiful to watch.

On Thursday of last week, we got an email from Lifeline (one of our agencies). There was a woman who was due February 22nd and they thought we would be a good match and wanted to show our profile.
Sully and I were very torn because we're already working with someone but at this point She hadn't made any real legal steps.  We didn't want to close the door if this wasn't going to pan out.  So we prayed. Lifeline needed to know by this morning if we wanted them to show our profile.

On Friday of last week, we were supposed to pay for a Home Study update for the other agency, Bethany.  We didn't want to cancel that just in case we didn't place with this momma but there is also a fee involved.  She does not want to go through an agency so if we place with her, we do not need the Bethany update.  So we prayed.

Before our meeting with Bethany, the social worker called and canceled. Her kids were sick so she couldn't make it. It was like God took it off the table for us.

On Sunday, I texted with Her and she said she was going to call the lawyer on Monday.  I was hoping She would make a legal step before we had to tell Lifeline anything.  I didn't hear from Her all day on Monday.  I was starting to worry.  Since I am practicing giving thanks in all circumstances, I stopped and prayed. At 3pm yesterday I prayed, "Lord, I am thanking you in advance for how you are working in this situation. I am excited to see how you surprise me".

At 4pm, Lifeline contacted us. That mother due on the 22nd of February has decided not to place.

A relief swept over me that I can't explain.  It was like God removed that situation so I wouldn't have to make a decision.  I felt like with both agencies, God worked out a way to remove them as obstacles for the placement with Her.

Last night my friend Jeanina messaged me and said she had a dream about me. In this dream, someone gave us a baby that had dark hair.  I asked her if it was because she read our blog post. She replied, "What blog post?".  She didn't even know we were working with someone.  

Guess what? This momma has dark hair.

This was her message to me this morning:

"God has filled me with a spirit of bravery and peace, I am ready to move forward." 

She called the lawyer today and they have a meeting on February 6th!

"The opposite of fear is faith"- Ann Voscamp

I have been so reluctant to share what is going on. Fear that I would feel let down again, has kept me from it.  I went to the 24 hour of prayer this morning and was praying over this situation.  I felt led to let the world in to intercede for us but I wanted proof first. I wanted certain things to happen first.  I felt like God asked me, "Are you truly being like Thomas now? Asking for physical proof that I am working on your behalf?" 

So this is my way of taking a faith step.

On my way to my Grandpa's funeral, I was listening to A Thousand Gifts by Ann Voscamp. God has really used this book to change my heart. The major theme of the book is gratitude. I have not been having a grateful heart lately. I sat at a Christmas event fighting back tears because I was so hurt and angry. I felt like God was ignoring me. I knew in my head that was not the case but I felt it none the less.  Anyway, the book points out how gratitude proceeded the miracle in scripture and she gives examples of this. I really felt like God was correcting me and reminding me to be thankful because of grace and that really the fact that it hasn't happened yet is God's grace. 

Before I left to see my Grandpa in  IN, a little selfish part of me somewhat jokingly thought, "Maybe I will tell Grandpa to tell God to give me a baby?".  I knew full well that my last words to my grandpa wouldn't be self serving but I thought it none the less.  Then about 30 minutes after Grandpa passed on Monday, I said to Sully and my sister, "Maybe Grandpa will tell God to give us a baby?" Two minutes later Sully's phone rang. It was a birth mom wanting to make an adoption plan.  I know that theologically, it is the Holy Spirit that intercedes for us and we can talk straight to God without needing my grandpa to put in a word. However, the timing is pretty crazy. Maybe God just wanted a way for Gpa to be connected to our story. My grandpa was an orphan.  

How the birth mom got our number was a crazy story as well.  Lisa Slusher has been helping with an IF:Prayer event. There was a Facebook page made and I "liked" the page on Facebook. One of the admins saw that I liked it and requested to be my friend.  Her dad brings the starbucks pastries to The Well.  Kristy then read our blog from start to finish. She messaged me and told me that she was very touched by our story and would be praying.  She is a sub nurse at Williamson Medical and works a few days per month.  Shortly after she read our blog she was working in the ER. She got called into a room that was not on her rotation because the nurse assigned to that room was busy with another patient.  She walked in the room and the birth mom started talking about she needed to make an adoption plan.  She was admitted for migraine headaches.  Kristy said she didn't know what she was allowed to say so she left the room. The nurse who was assigned to the room told Kristy that is was no accident she was called into the room instead and that she was even working that night. Kristy told me that she has been a long term believer but has never felt the Holy Spirit as strongly as she did when she went in to tell the mom about us.   She did not have our personal numbers so she gave her The Well number. The mom said, "My brother went to The Well a few years ago and it was a huge help to him. That shows me what kind of people they must be."  Kristy didn't know if she would call us or not but she passed on our information and left the rest up to the Lord. 

Remember the book, "A Thousand Gifts"? Gratitude in my heart proceeded the miracle of this. I have a dear friend named Ashley. They got their sweet baby in August. There are a lot of similarities between their story and ours. Anyway, I called her to be praying about it and told her about how God was changing my heart through this book and how I got a call after reading it. She said, "Melissa, do you want to know when I read that book? I read that book just before we got our baby". I got chills. Do I think the book is a magic step to make things happen? No, but I think the way that God has continued to link my story and Ashley's together is really cool. 

Who knows if this will all happen. There are some pretty serious things that still need worked out but none the less God has really orchestrated all this in a beautiful way. We don't know how this chapter of our story will unravel but we are ready with eyes and hands open no matter what God decides to give.   

We met with her at Chuy's before we left for Christmas break.  She is due March 7th and we are preparing our hearts. She would like to place with us and feels that we are meant to be the parents for this baby. 

My heart is still very wounded, I am trying to inhale God's grace and exhale my thanks.  

"The secret to joy is seeking God where we doubt He is." -Ann Voscamp

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." 

1 John 5:14

There is a time.

These last few months/weeks have been some of the hardest for me.  My heart just hurts.

The "loss" of Halle was hard.  This week Sully and I were 1 of 4 families being shown to a birth mom  and she passed on us. They said she loved out book, but she passed.
My Grandpa suffered his 4th heart attack and is now in his last days.


Life is just sad sometimes.   I found comfort in Ecclesiastes 3 this morning and I have taken the liberty to rewrite it.  Sadness is part of the human experience we can't escape, but joy is coming.

You will experience a little bit of everything. 

You will experience times of new life and times of death. 

There will be times when you need to plant and time when you need to uproot. 

There will be times you need to let things break and there will be times you will heal. 

Sometimes things will be torn down but there will be times where you build. 

You will have times when you cry, but don't worry you will also have times of laughter. 

There will be sad days but they won't last forever. You will dance again. 

There is a time to put yourself out there and there are times to simplify. 

You will have times where you need to be very close with people and other times you will need to distance yourself. 

There will be times for your to pursue and times where you need to understand the door is closed. 

Sometimes you will need to keep things but don't be afraid to let go of others. 

Hearts break but they mend as well.  

Sometimes you need to be silent and other times you need to speak up. 

You will feel both love and hate, you will want war but it all ends with peace. 

God makes everything beautiful in time. We don't know what God is doing but take heart, He is redeeming everything. 

I have been reflecting a lot these last few days.  As my grandpa's health has declined rapidly, memories of my childhood have flooded my mind.  Solomon was spot on. I have experienced times of sadness and times of laughter.  I am blessed to say that most of my life has been laughter. As my family has walked through this next stage with my Grandpa we have been focusing on the moments of laughter with him. 

"Grandpa, It's Melissa here."

"I can see that" -He is always very quippy. 

"I wanted to tell you that I love you. I wanted to tell you about how I will never forget how you would tap your foot. You would point at it and say, "You see this foot?" Then you would jump and tickle us." -It was always this or "The Claw"

"Oh yeah?" -as he wipes a tear from his eye.

"Yeah, that is a great memory."

"It is isn't it?"

"Grandpa,  you have loved us so well and I appreciate it. I love you very much."

"Right back at ya kid." 

...that's me and Grandpa in the top right. Soon he will be with his bride, pictured just below him.