I know.

I know.

I have felt it too.  That lump in your heart.

I have wanted to escape, to just check out for a few days until the glaring reminder of my non-mommyhood was gone.

In the morning before church on Mother's Day last year, I sat curling my hair and I just cried.

That moment is so vivid. I can even picture my red eyes and the amount of dust I noticed on the full length mirror.

I cried because I wanted a baby. I cried because everyone else knew I wanted a baby and didn't have one.  I cried because I just didn't feel like dealing with it. I cried because I felt stuck.

But I am an adult.  I wiped my eyes and headed out the door to "work".  Was I trying to be fake? No.  I am there to teach kids about Jesus and help lead those who do. I didn't want my story to distract from God's story that morning.

Some people in the waiting period stay home on this particular Sunday.  To be honest, if I weren't on staff I probably would have stayed home too.

It is a tough thing for churches really.  The desire to is to encourage mommas to keep up the hard work, to thank them for the sacrifice. The downside is the delivery can be like an unintentional dagger for those who want the hard work and to have the opportunity for sacrifice.

I promise you, if you are in the spot I was last year, your church leadership hasn't forgotten you. There have been prayers in staff meetings, Bible studies and private quiet times.

Your heavenly Father has not forgotten you.

Last year, something special happened.

Our church was selling corsages for mommas as a missions fundraiser.  I just pretended the table wasn't there.

Then a family I adore with three sweet girls, Bella, Gabby and Leila came up to me with a pink corsage.

My face gets weepy just looking at this picture.  She didn't pull me aside and give me this big speech or ask me how I was feeling. She just blessed me.  It was like she was saying, "I see you and I love you."

This Mother's Day, I will shed tears.  I will cry because I am thankful.  I will cry because of the sacrifice someone else made to give me the name I have always wanted.

But if you are still waiting, I have been there.

I see you and I love you.

God sees you and He loves you. 

I've wanted to tell you.

There are so many things I have wanted to tell all of you.

A baby changes everything.

So now, as she sleeps with the quiet hum of the noise machine, I will share.

I've wanted to tell you how in shock I was in the beginning.  I was so disoriented and scared. Scared that I couldn't do it, scared it was too hard.  My life was immediately different and I didn't feel like me. I didn't feel safe.  Then I felt guilt.  I learned early in my life that the darkness that the enemy tries to bring loses it's power when it is exposed to light.  So I exposed my feelings to an online adoption group. Within minutes, I had over 100 comments and messages from other women who had experienced the same thing.  Turns out what I was experiencing was completely normal. It is amazing how much better I felt when I opened up!

I've wanted to tell you how much I love my husband. I have wanted a baby since I was one myself. Before Emily came, I wondered if she would effect my love for Sully or if I would have to work at making him first in my heart.  Maybe it's different with adoption but she has effected it.  I didn't think I could love my husband more than I already did.  His love for Emily Ann has caused me to fall for him even more.  He has been so giving and helpful!  I am blessed to be his wife.

I've wanted to tell you how much I miss Her. Emily Ann's birthmother and I went from texting several times every day to hardly any contact.  This is how it was planned but after going through this process together, delivering the sweet baby together and bonding, it is hard.  I think about Her all the time. I want to share every new moment with Her but I can't. I think She is the strongest and bravest woman I know.  I truly love Her.  Until you have a relationship with a birthmother, I am not sure you can ever really grasp the dynamic of the relationship. No, it isn't rainbows all the time. There are fears  and insecurities, ways she and I live differently but we are bonded for life.  She could have chosen to not bring Emily into this world but instead she decided to give up her world to give me mine.  

Most of all, I have wanted to tell you that The Lord hears you.
Those of you that prayed for us, The Lord heard you.
Those of you that are going through something, The Lord hears you.
Those of you that are waiting, I promise, The Lord hears you. 

Gifts, The Giver and Grace

"Every breath is a gift and if life is a gift, there is a giver and if there is a giver- all's grace. When all's grace- we give, because a gift never stops being a gift to be given." - Ann Voscamp

Emily Ann is a gift from a generous Giver.

I want to tell you about her name.

About Emily

I love everyone, seriously, it takes a lot for me to not connect with a person.  However, even massive extroverts like me, have people that they connect with on a deeper level. Emily Hudelson is one of those people.  She is a high-schooler at my church that I see a lot of myself in, only she is wiser at her age than I was.  I feel very strongly that I would be honored to raise my Emily to be like her.  I want my Emily to be like her because she loves Jesus, she tells her friends about him and is kind and helpful.  I have always loved the name Emily and not many kids under age five have that name.  When I look at my sweet Emily, I think of the older Emily that brings me so much joy!

About Ann

Once the pieces came together, this was a slam dunk for her name.

Sully and I were sitting at lunch one day discussing middle names  and I wanted to use Mae. Mae is my middle name and I always thought we would name our little girl with the middle name Mae.  Sully felt like there was really only one Mae in our life right now. Little Baby Mae, she is our first baby love.

Then he suggested Ann.  The initial connection was to the author Ann Voscamp.  God has really used her book as part of our story and continues to do so.  Ann mentions in the book that the Hebrew meaning of her name means "full of grace".  Adoption is full of God's grace.

Ann is my Nannie's middle name. Ann is Carrie's middle name (if you know me at all, you know how I feel about Carrie Ray!)

Added bonus(because God does things in splendor)- Kristy, the friend who introduced us to Her and started this whole thing, her middle name is Ann, no e.  I mean, really?!

Earlier that day, Tummy Mommy and I were texting and I told her that she was giving us a priceless gift. She is Irish, so she was always looking up the meanings of the name suggestions. We mentioned Ann at lunch and she said the Irish meaning was "priceless gift".   I mean, really?!

The most priceless gift I know is grace.

Emily Ann is a gift from The Giver. She is full of Grace because all is grace.  The fact that we waited so long for her, had a failed placement and nights of tears is God's grace.

This story is better than I could have imagined.

All really is grace.

"I have loved you," says the Lord. Malachi 1:2

We got the call Tuesday night about 9:00pm.

Sully and I rushed home and collected our things.  The car was out of gas  and we hit every red light between here and Williamson Medical Center.  I thought I was about to burst!

We get all checked in and settled with Her and her friend who was there to support her.

They ask Her what the name is and She waits for me to answer.  I reply, "Emily Ann with no e".  (more on the name choice later)

The nurse then says, "That is my full name too, no e".

She and I give each other a wide-mouthed look at how incredibly cool that is.

Then the nurse who is going to help deliver the baby comes in. She is a petite spunky nurse named Carly.  She goes over the birth plan and then tells us that she is adopted!

Again, She and I look at each other with this baffled look at how all of this is coming together.

Time passes(rather quickly) and the doctor comes in to prep and talk through the transitioning. We had the on call doctor, Dr. Heather Rupe.  She was amazing.  Added bonus, she is an adoptive momma!   The doctor went on to affirm Her and she even said, "Birthmoms are VIP when I am here because I know how special they are." 

Is this real life?

She starts to feel pressure and shake, it's go time!

If you would have asked me a month ago how I would feel at that moment, I would have said terrified and dizzy.

The spunky nurse coached me through how to hold her legs and help her in the process.  I felt totally at peace and calm.  Luckily, one of my best friends made me watch her birthing videos in the past so I was prepared for the scene.

So there I was, one hand holding Hers and the other hand holding her leg.

Again, is this real life? I can't believe I get to be in this moment. 

They asked Sully if he wanted to hold the other leg and coach her through with us.  He hesitantly agreed.  About 10 minutes into pushing, he starts looking pale.  I told him to go sit down. The doctor took one look at him and put him in a chair with a cold compress.  Then She had her friend take his spot. Five minutes in and he was down too.

Me? I was rocking it! It was all Jesus. I have to lay down when I get shots and can faint when people just talk about medical procedures.  If you know me personally, you know this was the Holy Spirit because I watched everything with amazement and felt so strong and sure.

30 minutes later, she was here.  When she came out, She and I both cried.  I have never in my life seen anything more amazing.  How a person can deny the existence of a Creator God is beside me.
They told me to go look at my baby and surprisingly I wanted to stay there with Her and just tell her everything that was on my heart at that moment.  She said, "No, you go look at your baby."

She was amazing at first site.

After the fact, the queasy boys were the talk of the floor. :)

The rest of the night really was a blur.  Emily ate so well! Initially, the hospital told us we could not bring in breast milk. I did a little digging and with advice from friends, we were able to make it work!

She did not want us to have visitors due to the privacy and vulnerability of the situation.

I was so thrilled the next morning when a nurse came in and said good morning.  It was our friend Jill Thyen!  I said out loud, "Jill!".  I was so excited that she was the nurse for Her.

Jill even went and got a little gift for both of us.  I am so grateful for the compassion.

God's provision doesn't stop there.

On our way to the hospital, I texted our friend Mary Ellen. She works in the nursery at WMC. I asked her if she was scheduled to work and she said no.

The morning Emily came,  I go out into the hall and who do I see? Mary Ellen! They had called her earlier to ask her if she could fill in and of course she jumped at the chance!  She told all the other nurses she had dibs on sweet Emily!

Two of our sisters in Christ from our church family got to experience this with us! What a gift!

The rest of our time there was really special and I will treasure the moments forever.

We are so thankful for all the calls, posts, texts and gifts that you all have given. This has truly been amazing.

I don't think the magnitude of this has hit me yet.  I feel like I don't deserve such a precious gift.

Emily is a work of heavenly art.  Her long fingers, thick hair, tan skin and sweet lips are perfect.

Every time I look at her, one verse comes to mind.

"I have loved you," says the Lord. - Malachi 1:2

Yes, indeed He has. 

Yeah, What Lady GaGa Said.

 14 days, 18 hours, 26 minutes and the seconds pass as I type.

It could be any day now but who knows.

14 days, 18 hours and 24 minutes.

Who's counting?

I search my brain for analogies and word pictures to describe this moment.  I feel differently than I thought I would.

Excited? Yes. Afraid? Yes. Ready? What does that even mean? Is anyone really ready to have the life of a human being in their hands?

The best description I can muster is, the edge.  We are approaching the edge of something.  The end of one moment and the genesis of another.

In the words of the wise theologian Lady GaGa, "I'm on the edge of glory and I'm hanging on a moment of truth. Out on the edge of glory and I'm hanging on a moment with you."

I feel as if I am on the edge of glory.  The opportunity to give God glory in this, this paramount moment in my life no matter how it turns out.  At the same time, She is on the edge of glory.  How She has honored God through this and made the hard choice. How She has trusted Him to redeem this situation in Her life. This approaching moment, this wave drawing near will be an unmatched act of love.  We are on the edge of something.

What always accompanies the edge of glory?

Fear.

God commands us to move in spite of fear.

Build the ark, take Isaac up the mountain, walk through the Red Sea, cross the Jordan, fight Goliath, stand in Nebuchadnezzar's fire, go to Bethlehem, follow Him, get out of the boat, stay awake to pray, see the tomb, touch the nail scars and spread the Word.

God wants us to approach the edges which will give His name the most glory.

Why?

Because we need to be there.  Less of us means more of Him.

"The power to do what we do comes from God." 2 Corinthians 3:5 (NIRV)

The edge of glory is where His power is and I'm blessed to be here.

Brain Whirlwind

This weekend was a whirlwind for me.

As some of you know, I am an advocate for the benefits of Young Living Oils for your health.  A generous friend encouraged me to go to a weekend of training and product education. She even scholarshiped my registration!

The day of the conference, I did not want to go. Wasn't feeling it, what I was feeling was....anxious.

She had not called the doctor,  I hadn't slept great and I just wanted to be alone (which is weird if you know me).  I was scared. Scared of this all slipping away.

I believe God brought Young Living to me at just the right time and uses it in my life at just the right time.

I did not want to distribute YL products. I even told my friend Anita that I would never do it. God opened the doors and I have earned close to $2000 (w/o super trying).  That money has gone straight to Baby Cook fund!

I love learning about natural health.  Surprisingly, my knowledge of natural health comes into play often in my ministry.  This weekend that I wanted to avoid because of anxiety surrounding our future was FULL of information on healing the body with nutrition and supplements.  I geeked out a TON! I feel so equipped to handle the health challenges that may come our way!

If anything else this weekend was an emotional break. I needed it.  God knew that and so did the enemy.

Thursday night, in the middle of a session, She sent me a 2 minute video of the baby in her belly. I could see the little squish moving all over the place. I have never been so amazed at a belly in an Auburn t-shirt.  To whoever spoke on Thursday night at Thrive, I'm sorry- I have no idea what you said. :)

Joy.

Friday, She was supposed to meet with the lawyer at 3pm. I was glad I was going to be in session all day to pass the time.  The meeting got moved up to 11.  At 12:15, She called and gave me some really good news.

Joy.

An hour later She sent me the time and date of a doctors appointment. THANK YOU JESUS!

Joy.

That evening She sent me some of the most precious text messages I have ever received.  I am not going to share them here but just know, God is at work folks.


The Giver lavished many gifts this weekend.  Peace, joy, answers, wellness and abundance all from Him.

Oh and by the way, only 2 more sleeps until we get to see this baby on an ultrasound!

Don't count in sleeps? It's Monday at 2!

Petition?

 
I can't see it.

I can't picture it.  I try to imagine us at the hospital and us with a baby but it is very cloudy, a strain to make anything out.

I keep feeling like this will fail too.  God carried me through that once and I know He can do it again but I can't foresee any other outcomes besides me on the floor crying again.

I am blinded by my fear.

Since December, I have been trying.  Even before I knew about Her, I have tried to count the gifts and number my thanks.  In January, I tried to better understand prayer.  I still have so many questions.   God has a plan laid out but His word tells us that we should plead our cases to Him? Does He truly change His mind or was our petitioning just part of that plan?  I am not sure I will ever grasp how the uniqueness of prayer works. I am not sure we are supposed to.  The throne of God can't be  simplified to a process or system. We can't control it.

I am struggling. Struggling to believe that Jesus would give any other outcome besides the hard one.  I have this thought in my head that I have to go through only hard things to show my love and loyalty to Him.

I find myself not wanting to pray about this or feeling like I am not praying enough.  What does enough prayer even look like?

The Spirit whispered Paul's words to me this morning.

Philippians 4

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God,which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Paul doesn't say that if we petition, we will get our desired outcome.  Instead, he says that if we petition God, He will give us unexplainable peace.

So I will petition for peace. I will practice trading my fear, worry and doubt for what is true, pure and lovely.

Will you join me?