When God Breaks Your Heart.

A few days ago I posted an entry about an exchange I had with Emily. You can read the full post here.

I didn't give her what she wanted so with an angry voice she quipped, "You're not a good Mommy".

The Lord is still revealing things to me through that story.

Yesterday, I realized I am just like her.

It's National Adoption Month and every November I think through our story.

When we were going through our adoption journey, it was a long season of waiting and heartbreak.

There were so many portal messages from the agency about our profile being shown and yet no one chose us.  Then there was the failed placement. I remember, just like my daughter, telling God that I didn't think He was being a good Father because why you would withhold something good from someone you love?

I know why now.

Timing. 

As I was reading Oswald Chambers', "My Utmost For His Highest" this morning, I was pricked by the last sentence of his entry. He writes, "If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart."

Through our adoption journery God took us through some places where our hearts broke but I am ever so thankful because His purpose was Emily and Ezra. 

He is truly is good.   

From Shattered to Shining: Our Adoption Story

This morning, Emmy and I had the pleasure of selling cookies and lemonade at an adoption yard sale for some sweet friends of ours. Since we live in a new place, many of our friends here don't know the amazingly ordained story of our Emily.  Every time, I tell the details of our adoption journey, their mouths drop open and agree that only God could write something that beautiful.

So if you haven't followed our blog for the last 4 years or you just love hearing about how Jesus works all things for good, grab a snack and I'll share my favorite story, the story of Emily.

It was this exact week, 4 years ago when my world shattered.  We had waited and waited through the adoption process, had been matched with a potential birthmother, went to appointments, met family and began our plans to finally be parents.  Four years ago this week, my dream came to a screeching halt. I wrote about it here. I was so broken. I still remember the pain.

My heart started to harden. I remember telling God that I didn't think He was being a good Father. Why was He withholding when everything is at His fingertips? That was in October.  Pay attention to that date. 

Thanksgiving was blur because I wasn't thankful at all. My Grandpa who I dearly loved was in his last days and Sully was traveling a lot playing drums. My soul felt like the gray of winter. I sat at a Christmas Eve service, crying and being so thankful that it was dark in there so no one saw me. I was hurt and I felt overlooked.

On my way to say goodbye to my Grandpa, I listened to Ann Voscamp's A Thousand Gifts. In her book, she expresses this idea of open hands to whatever God gives and to practice giving thanks even in the hardest times.  I cried as I drove and opened my hands with our journey. I finally resolved in my heart that God and eternity with Him had to be enough, even if I was never a mother. I finally felt at peace. This was in December.

We said goodbye to my Grandpa and he met Jesus face to face. I left the hospital with my sister and Sully. When we got to the car I said, "Maybe Grandpa will tell God to send us a baby?" 

You won't believe me, but I have witnesses. Two minutes later, Sully's work phone rings and he sends it to voicemail. We listen and it's a girl, expressing through tears that she would like to make an adoption plan and got our number from someone at the hospital named Kristy Branson. Two minutes!

Here's the catch, I didn't know anyone named Kristy Branson and I didn't know anyone that worked in that part of the hospital. Naturally, I went to Facebook and looked up Kristy Branson. We'd never met. I connected with her and she was surprised.  You see, it was now December and she met that girl at the hospital in October. Guess when?  Right after I wrote the post about our failed adoption. We lived in a small town so a friend of a friend shared it. She read it and then picked up a PRN shift in the ER. For the non-nurses, that kinda means like "as-needed".  Kristy got called into a room that wasn't her patient and as soon as she walks in, the girl says, "I would like to make an adoption plan, do you know anyone?"

Are you following this?! In October, my world is crushed and I write about it. A friend shares it and this Kristy woman sees it. She is touched by it. Goes into work and then gets called randomly into a room where someone asks her if she knows anyone wanting to adopt. CRAY.  Kristy didn't have our number but she knew the place where Sully worked, so she gave the girl that number.

She didn't call....until December. Right after I say, "Maybe Grandpa will tell God to give us a baby?".

Divine, y'all.

I shared with my sister what was going on and she said, "Wow, if that works out, thats going to be an incredible story."

It would be an amazing story even if the story ended there. But it didn't.

March rolled around and it was time for Emily to make her entrance.  We get the call and head to the hospital. Let me just lay out what we were met with once we got there.

-The doctor who delivered Emily? An adoptive mother.
-The nurse that helped our birthmom through the delivery? She was adopted.
-The nurse that took care of Emily? Emily Ann. No E. The SAME NAME we picked out months before she was born.
-Emily was born on my Dad's birthday, once again connecting her to my Grandpa.

I could not have written a better story.

I am so thankful that the Lord closed one door so that I could walk through the journey of bringing Emily home. I will never doubt she was meant for us and I will never doubt God's hand in all of it.

As long as I live and as long as people will listen, I will tell the story, my favorite story, of what God has done.

My heart was shattered to make way for Him to shine and I am so thankful.

The Story of Me

Emily turns three in a month.

I have been really intentional about talking to her about adoption. We show her pictures of her birthmom and talk about how we prayed for her.   Children's books are super helpful with explaining adoption to your kids. There is one book in particular that Emily really loves. It's called "The Tummy Mommy"  by Michele Madrid-Branch

In the book, there is a wise old owl that helps the pregnant young woman and the family with empty arms.  I will read it with Emily and sometimes she sleeps with it.

This morning, I was telling her that I loved her so much and I am glad that God gave her to me. 

This was the conversation that followed:

E: "Yeah, the owl just bring me because your belly not worked." 

M: "Well, God brought you. The owl in the story represents God."

E: "Yes. Can you tell me the story of me?"

I don't know if I have a word for surge of emotions I felt when she asked that question. 

 How do I even begin to explain the 3-year journey to her? How do I tell a toddler about all the miraculous ways that God ordained her being in our life, in the five minutes I have before walking out the door? I replied with a shortened version but that question was burned in my brain. 

The story of Emily knocks me to my knees and is my constant reminder that God is present and working on our behalf even when we don't see it. 

As I was driving to work, I thought about the story of her and what I would like to say. So one day, when she has moved past learning her alphabet and counting to 10, she will hear the story. 

My darling Emily, 

The story of you is a story of the goodness of our loving Father.  Our Father is El Roi, which means "God who sees me".  Emily, God saw two women in very different places with two very different prayers and God used you to answer both of these women.  God saw me, your mommy, as I wept and prayed for a child. God saw me and showed me grace when I was angry with Him, that I didn't have you yet. God saw me when I doubted His goodness, and He still answered me.  God saw your birthmom when you were in her belly and was filled with compassion for her. God saw that she was in a place over her head and needed Jehovah-Jirah or the God who provides. You see Emily, your birthmom wanted you to have a life full of love. She wanted you to grow in a home where you would thrive. She wanted to give you everything so she had to give away her everything.  Emily, God also saw you. Remember, He was the One making you. He made your tiny heartbeat as you became my heartbeat. He crafted your gifts and passions. My daughter, the story of you is as story of fulfilled promises of scripture. Promises that you are wonderfully made, that God has a plan for your life, my life and your birthmom's life. Promises that God is a Father from which every good and perfect gift comes. Emily, your life is a good and perfect gift.  You are my answered prayer and my fulfilled promise.  The story of you, my darling, is my favorite. 

<3

Birth Mother's Day

Today is Birth Mother's Day.  Honestly, I wish I could celebrate with our birth mom.

She has chosen a closed adoption but we wanted an open one.
There is a lot I can say about it but I am not going to explain that today.
Instead, I just wrote a poem  and maybe one day she'll see it.


Our first Mother's Day it was all so new.
And now we're at the second one
but all I think about is you.

In your plan I have to trust.
But it doesn't stop the wondering,
Does your heart miss us?

I understand, I do, why you stay away.
But it's hard when through her life,
I see glimpses of you everyday.

With you I want to share, her intoxicating smile.
Because forever, no matter what,
she'll always be our child.

As she grows, I see you more and more.
Captivating eyes of sheer perfection
that I am sure you would adore.

Wish I had known the hug would be our last.
I would have held you longer
not let the moment pass so fast.

Your life needs distance, your life needs space.
But I can't stop dreaming
of when Emily sees your face.

I don't know the details of our Father's plans.
But while I'm waiting to hug you again,
I'll just hold her tiny hands.


I love you. Happy Birth Mother's Day.

Hard, Messy, Confusing, Exciting and Beautiful.

Emily's tummy mommy has an exciting moment coming up.  Since it seems the world is getting smaller, I can't say what it is but I am happy for her.

Though,

I wish I could be there.

I wish I could say face to face how proud I am of her.

I wish I could hold her hand as she starts this next chapter of her life as she held mine when we started ours.

Due to the nature of her situation, I can't.

So I will watch from the sidelines with joy as she fulfills her dreams in the same way she will watch from the sidelines as Emily fulfills mine.

 My relationship with Her does not fit in a box or a label.

Adoption is hard, messy, confusing, exciting and beautiful.

Our final court date is September 25th. No more home studies, no more paperwork, no more waiting(at least for now).

Then we will see Her again and she will see Emily.

I'll say it again,  adoption is hard, messy, confusing, exciting and beautiful.

But, oh so worth it.

"I have loved you," says the Lord. Malachi 1:2

We got the call Tuesday night about 9:00pm.

Sully and I rushed home and collected our things.  The car was out of gas  and we hit every red light between here and Williamson Medical Center.  I thought I was about to burst!

We get all checked in and settled with Her and her friend who was there to support her.

They ask Her what the name is and She waits for me to answer.  I reply, "Emily Ann with no e".  (more on the name choice later)

The nurse then says, "That is my full name too, no e".

She and I give each other a wide-mouthed look at how incredibly cool that is.

Then the nurse who is going to help deliver the baby comes in. She is a petite spunky nurse named Carly.  She goes over the birth plan and then tells us that she is adopted!

Again, She and I look at each other with this baffled look at how all of this is coming together.

Time passes(rather quickly) and the doctor comes in to prep and talk through the transitioning. We had the on call doctor, Dr. Heather Rupe.  She was amazing.  Added bonus, she is an adoptive momma!   The doctor went on to affirm Her and she even said, "Birthmoms are VIP when I am here because I know how special they are." 

Is this real life?

She starts to feel pressure and shake, it's go time!

If you would have asked me a month ago how I would feel at that moment, I would have said terrified and dizzy.

The spunky nurse coached me through how to hold her legs and help her in the process.  I felt totally at peace and calm.  Luckily, one of my best friends made me watch her birthing videos in the past so I was prepared for the scene.

So there I was, one hand holding Hers and the other hand holding her leg.

Again, is this real life? I can't believe I get to be in this moment. 

They asked Sully if he wanted to hold the other leg and coach her through with us.  He hesitantly agreed.  About 10 minutes into pushing, he starts looking pale.  I told him to go sit down. The doctor took one look at him and put him in a chair with a cold compress.  Then She had her friend take his spot. Five minutes in and he was down too.

Me? I was rocking it! It was all Jesus. I have to lay down when I get shots and can faint when people just talk about medical procedures.  If you know me personally, you know this was the Holy Spirit because I watched everything with amazement and felt so strong and sure.

30 minutes later, she was here.  When she came out, She and I both cried.  I have never in my life seen anything more amazing.  How a person can deny the existence of a Creator God is beside me.
They told me to go look at my baby and surprisingly I wanted to stay there with Her and just tell her everything that was on my heart at that moment.  She said, "No, you go look at your baby."

She was amazing at first site.

After the fact, the queasy boys were the talk of the floor. :)

The rest of the night really was a blur.  Emily ate so well! Initially, the hospital told us we could not bring in breast milk. I did a little digging and with advice from friends, we were able to make it work!

She did not want us to have visitors due to the privacy and vulnerability of the situation.

I was so thrilled the next morning when a nurse came in and said good morning.  It was our friend Jill Thyen!  I said out loud, "Jill!".  I was so excited that she was the nurse for Her.

Jill even went and got a little gift for both of us.  I am so grateful for the compassion.

God's provision doesn't stop there.

On our way to the hospital, I texted our friend Mary Ellen. She works in the nursery at WMC. I asked her if she was scheduled to work and she said no.

The morning Emily came,  I go out into the hall and who do I see? Mary Ellen! They had called her earlier to ask her if she could fill in and of course she jumped at the chance!  She told all the other nurses she had dibs on sweet Emily!

Two of our sisters in Christ from our church family got to experience this with us! What a gift!

The rest of our time there was really special and I will treasure the moments forever.

We are so thankful for all the calls, posts, texts and gifts that you all have given. This has truly been amazing.

I don't think the magnitude of this has hit me yet.  I feel like I don't deserve such a precious gift.

Emily is a work of heavenly art.  Her long fingers, thick hair, tan skin and sweet lips are perfect.

Every time I look at her, one verse comes to mind.

"I have loved you," says the Lord. - Malachi 1:2

Yes, indeed He has. 

Exposed

I heard a lot and read a lot about adoption when we first started this journey.  Those who have gone before me talked about all the emotions we would feel. They talked about the ups and downs, the joys and the risks.  However, they left something out. No one told us that we would feel completely exposed.

You may be thinking, "you have a blog and share everything, doesn't that feeling come from you?".

I am not talking about our journey as a whole being exposed. I am talking about all the private parts of your heart and opinions being put through a microscope and not just by the agency or agencies in our case.   Between the agencies and people in your life, you start to feel like nothing is off limits to those outside your home.

Disclaimer: This may come out snarky and there is no doubt that these things were not said from a negative place. I am just writing what may be helpful to the next girl on the journey.
In a time where it seems privacy is jumping off a cliff, some things should still be reserved for a couple.

Our Exposure

-When we tell people we are adopting, OFTEN their follow-up statement is, "Oh, you can't have kids?".

1) What if I don't want to share that part of my life with you?
2) What if you have kids and I asked you, "Oh, what position did you use to conceive?"


-Have you tried...?
1) If we have not solicited your advice on building our family, it can be discouraging to hear things like this. One person told me three times that I just need to try acupuncture even after I told her that wasn't the path we were pursuing.

-When we met Her and people heard she had other kids, the questions was, "How could she separate her children?'

1) What am I supposed to say to that?
2) No birth mom ever takes the decision lightly. Ever.

There are too many to list but a good rule of thumb is, only say or ask what you would want said to or asked of you.

We have had to fill out stacks and stacks of paper on our view of our spouse and of our family members. We have written essays upon essays on how we feel about different races and what we will do to celebrate the culture of a child who may be of a different race than us. We have had to literally check "yes" or "no" to what circumstances we are open to.  We have had to unpack and hurtful parts of our childhood, bring out bad choices made as teens and leave no leaf unturned.

Should agencies do this? Yes.  Is it exhausting? Yes.  You have to expose the intimate details of your life with people in a way that some will never have to.

And people will try to take advantage of your exposure. "Adoption Consultants" will contact you about possible situations and then when you ask about fees, they bring in the hammer. Most of these folks promise short wait times for the small fee of $30,000-$45,000. Most agencies are around $20,000.

So today I am feeling exposed and tired. More paperwork and more fundraising.

But maybe one day, when tiny fingers wrap around mine, it will all be okay.

Car Accident

Have you ever been in a car accident?

I feel like I have been in a car accident today. 

We got a call from agency and as our social worker started talking, 

I felt like things were spinning out of control.

Social worker: “She would like to parent.” 

Crash. 

Me: “So we should consider this a done deal?”

Social worker: “Yes” 

Shattered. 

I asked a few more questions and then it was over. 

4 months of texting with Her, 4 months of encouraging Her, 4 months of praying for Her. 4 months of thinking about what it would be like to hold a sweet baby in my arms and not have to give it back to someone else. Almost 4 months of dreams.

Shattered.

I went home and ran to the room that would have been Halle’s and I sobbed. Laying on the floor, running my hands through the rug I bought for her to play on, I screamed and I cried.  It was a sob that is reserved for some of the worst times in life.  

Sully came home, got on the floor and cried with me. 

Can I just be real for a second?

I am feeling so many emotions.  I feel like I tried to stay guarded but that still didn’t protect me. I feel dumb for having crippling grief over something that wasn’t mine. I feel angry that just days ago She was talking to me about the birthdate and the hospital. I do not fault her for deciding to parent but I feel like she made us too many promises. Asking us to name the baby, calling us the parents and giving us all her daughter’s clothes.  I am upset that she couldn’t tell us herself. I get it but it doesn’t change how I feel.  I feel like God is holding out on me. I feel like God could have been protecting me.  I feel exhausted from the process. I feel that God has given me this desire to mother a child and I can’t do anything about it. I feel like a part of me is not functioning. I ask the Lord to close the door before it got to the end if it wasn’t going to happen, so I feel like I should be thankful but it’s hard. 

My heart is breaking in new ways today.  When I was crying on the floor, I looked around the room and saw the Rise and Shine picture that I bought for her room..  I felt like that was what God was telling me to do.  To rise and shine. To even now, shine. 

Even God makes the stars shine in darkness. 

Habakkuk 3:17-19

“The fig trees might not bud, the vines might not produce any grapes and the olive crop might fail. The fields might not produce any food. There may be no sheep in the pens or cattle in the barns. But I will still be glad because of what the Lord has done. God my Savior fills me with joy.  The Lord and King gives me strength. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer. He helps me to walk the steepest mountains.

Climbing up the mountain is hard, especially on days like today. But once we get to the top we will be able to see that, in the words of Ann Voscamp, “these trials will be but a trail.” 

If you are wondering what to do or how to help, here are a few things. 

Pray for her. Pray for us. 

Please don’t ask us tons of questions. This may sound harsh but I am not sure I have the emotional energy to answer them in public.  We are really still very exhausted emotionally by it all. 

Don’t pity us. We have wanted to share along the way but it also makes us feel very exposed. Turn your pity into petitions to the Lord to give us the desire of our heart.  When you see us on Sunday, we’ll take the hugs but I don’t want to distract from anything God wants to do in our Children’s Ministry on Sunday. Those kids are my heart and when I am there, teaching them Jesus is priority number one. It is not about me. 

Thank you for walking with us.

Romans 8:18 “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed in us.”