When God Breaks Your Heart.

A few days ago I posted an entry about an exchange I had with Emily. You can read the full post here.

I didn't give her what she wanted so with an angry voice she quipped, "You're not a good Mommy".

The Lord is still revealing things to me through that story.

Yesterday, I realized I am just like her.

It's National Adoption Month and every November I think through our story.

When we were going through our adoption journey, it was a long season of waiting and heartbreak.

There were so many portal messages from the agency about our profile being shown and yet no one chose us.  Then there was the failed placement. I remember, just like my daughter, telling God that I didn't think He was being a good Father because why you would withhold something good from someone you love?

I know why now.

Timing. 

As I was reading Oswald Chambers', "My Utmost For His Highest" this morning, I was pricked by the last sentence of his entry. He writes, "If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart."

Through our adoption journery God took us through some places where our hearts broke but I am ever so thankful because His purpose was Emily and Ezra. 

He is truly is good.   

Mini Me vs. Mini He

I've always loved to write.  A Young Authors award in 4th grade may be my highest writing accolade but I'll take it. 

Published writers are always encouraging aspiring writers to spend large amounts of time to bringing words to life.  I wish I could do that.  

I write when prompted by the beauty or tragedy of a moment.. 

I write when given inspiration by the Spirit. 

The timing isn't always convenient. 

So in my phone, lives voice memos and notes of inspiration because you can't blog while you're driving. #safetyfirst #handsfreegeorgia

I felt a prompting this morning, a wave of inspiration came and it looked like this. 

If you've follow my social media, you have been inundated with pictures and videos of my silly little Emily.  I even made a profile for her videos on Insta (@emily_ann_says) so I could catalog it all in one place.  I have received so many messages about her charisma and spice. 

One message in particular came from another adoptive momma. Knowing she would understand I began to share with her about adoption. I told her that I over share and don't care because I am so amazed by her. She doesn't have my DNA but man, she holds my heart. 

I am surprised at this little entertainer she is becoming but I am not sure why. 

If you know me, you know I am a nut that doesn't meet a stranger and I have a flare for the dramatic. I LOVE to make people laugh.  

That is Emily, hands down. 

Yet, I find myself wondering in amazement about how she could be so funny and where she gets it from?  Was her spice knit together at the same time as the color of her eyes or is she a reflection of me, the person God graciously chose to raise her? 

As I drove, I thought a lot about her birth mom. I don't share much about Emily's family of origin because it's her story to tell but I always wonder what she was like as little girl. 

What parts of who Emily is reflect the home she is living in or the woman gave her life?

I questioned the same for myself. 

At certain times in my life, I find myself reflecting the one who gave me life and then other times I find myself reflecting the one who seems to rule this "home" we're living in temporarily. 

I pray for more times when my heavenly Father looks down and says, "Yes, that love in her heart for.....she got that from me". But if I am honest there are times when I act in such a way that I am not reflecting the one who gave me life. 

You see, it really is nature vs. nurture.  We're all born a little broken and a little prone to wonder, Lord I feel it.  I didn't get to chose that. My nature will constantly pull me in a direction that says, "God doesn't know best."

But I do get to choose what I nurture and who I emulate.  

I choose my spirit and I choose Jesus. This is what I hope Emily gets from me. 

Which do you choose?

While I would LOVE for Emily to be my mini me, I'd being doing the job wrong if she's not a mini He.  

Maybe I am giving her humor and personality but as the words of the hymn I sang to her last night  go, 

Give me Jesus, Give me Jesus.

You can have all this world.

Just give me Jesus.