When God Breaks Your Heart.

A few days ago I posted an entry about an exchange I had with Emily. You can read the full post here.

I didn't give her what she wanted so with an angry voice she quipped, "You're not a good Mommy".

The Lord is still revealing things to me through that story.

Yesterday, I realized I am just like her.

It's National Adoption Month and every November I think through our story.

When we were going through our adoption journey, it was a long season of waiting and heartbreak.

There were so many portal messages from the agency about our profile being shown and yet no one chose us.  Then there was the failed placement. I remember, just like my daughter, telling God that I didn't think He was being a good Father because why you would withhold something good from someone you love?

I know why now.

Timing. 

As I was reading Oswald Chambers', "My Utmost For His Highest" this morning, I was pricked by the last sentence of his entry. He writes, "If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart."

Through our adoption journery God took us through some places where our hearts broke but I am ever so thankful because His purpose was Emily and Ezra. 

He is truly is good.   

Hard, Messy, Confusing, Exciting and Beautiful.

Emily's tummy mommy has an exciting moment coming up.  Since it seems the world is getting smaller, I can't say what it is but I am happy for her.

Though,

I wish I could be there.

I wish I could say face to face how proud I am of her.

I wish I could hold her hand as she starts this next chapter of her life as she held mine when we started ours.

Due to the nature of her situation, I can't.

So I will watch from the sidelines with joy as she fulfills her dreams in the same way she will watch from the sidelines as Emily fulfills mine.

 My relationship with Her does not fit in a box or a label.

Adoption is hard, messy, confusing, exciting and beautiful.

Our final court date is September 25th. No more home studies, no more paperwork, no more waiting(at least for now).

Then we will see Her again and she will see Emily.

I'll say it again,  adoption is hard, messy, confusing, exciting and beautiful.

But, oh so worth it.

Exposed

I heard a lot and read a lot about adoption when we first started this journey.  Those who have gone before me talked about all the emotions we would feel. They talked about the ups and downs, the joys and the risks.  However, they left something out. No one told us that we would feel completely exposed.

You may be thinking, "you have a blog and share everything, doesn't that feeling come from you?".

I am not talking about our journey as a whole being exposed. I am talking about all the private parts of your heart and opinions being put through a microscope and not just by the agency or agencies in our case.   Between the agencies and people in your life, you start to feel like nothing is off limits to those outside your home.

Disclaimer: This may come out snarky and there is no doubt that these things were not said from a negative place. I am just writing what may be helpful to the next girl on the journey.
In a time where it seems privacy is jumping off a cliff, some things should still be reserved for a couple.

Our Exposure

-When we tell people we are adopting, OFTEN their follow-up statement is, "Oh, you can't have kids?".

1) What if I don't want to share that part of my life with you?
2) What if you have kids and I asked you, "Oh, what position did you use to conceive?"


-Have you tried...?
1) If we have not solicited your advice on building our family, it can be discouraging to hear things like this. One person told me three times that I just need to try acupuncture even after I told her that wasn't the path we were pursuing.

-When we met Her and people heard she had other kids, the questions was, "How could she separate her children?'

1) What am I supposed to say to that?
2) No birth mom ever takes the decision lightly. Ever.

There are too many to list but a good rule of thumb is, only say or ask what you would want said to or asked of you.

We have had to fill out stacks and stacks of paper on our view of our spouse and of our family members. We have written essays upon essays on how we feel about different races and what we will do to celebrate the culture of a child who may be of a different race than us. We have had to literally check "yes" or "no" to what circumstances we are open to.  We have had to unpack and hurtful parts of our childhood, bring out bad choices made as teens and leave no leaf unturned.

Should agencies do this? Yes.  Is it exhausting? Yes.  You have to expose the intimate details of your life with people in a way that some will never have to.

And people will try to take advantage of your exposure. "Adoption Consultants" will contact you about possible situations and then when you ask about fees, they bring in the hammer. Most of these folks promise short wait times for the small fee of $30,000-$45,000. Most agencies are around $20,000.

So today I am feeling exposed and tired. More paperwork and more fundraising.

But maybe one day, when tiny fingers wrap around mine, it will all be okay.