The Story of Me

Emily turns three in a month.

I have been really intentional about talking to her about adoption. We show her pictures of her birthmom and talk about how we prayed for her.   Children's books are super helpful with explaining adoption to your kids. There is one book in particular that Emily really loves. It's called "The Tummy Mommy"  by Michele Madrid-Branch

In the book, there is a wise old owl that helps the pregnant young woman and the family with empty arms.  I will read it with Emily and sometimes she sleeps with it.

This morning, I was telling her that I loved her so much and I am glad that God gave her to me. 

This was the conversation that followed:

E: "Yeah, the owl just bring me because your belly not worked." 

M: "Well, God brought you. The owl in the story represents God."

E: "Yes. Can you tell me the story of me?"

I don't know if I have a word for surge of emotions I felt when she asked that question. 

 How do I even begin to explain the 3-year journey to her? How do I tell a toddler about all the miraculous ways that God ordained her being in our life, in the five minutes I have before walking out the door? I replied with a shortened version but that question was burned in my brain. 

The story of Emily knocks me to my knees and is my constant reminder that God is present and working on our behalf even when we don't see it. 

As I was driving to work, I thought about the story of her and what I would like to say. So one day, when she has moved past learning her alphabet and counting to 10, she will hear the story. 

My darling Emily, 

The story of you is a story of the goodness of our loving Father.  Our Father is El Roi, which means "God who sees me".  Emily, God saw two women in very different places with two very different prayers and God used you to answer both of these women.  God saw me, your mommy, as I wept and prayed for a child. God saw me and showed me grace when I was angry with Him, that I didn't have you yet. God saw me when I doubted His goodness, and He still answered me.  God saw your birthmom when you were in her belly and was filled with compassion for her. God saw that she was in a place over her head and needed Jehovah-Jirah or the God who provides. You see Emily, your birthmom wanted you to have a life full of love. She wanted you to grow in a home where you would thrive. She wanted to give you everything so she had to give away her everything.  Emily, God also saw you. Remember, He was the One making you. He made your tiny heartbeat as you became my heartbeat. He crafted your gifts and passions. My daughter, the story of you is as story of fulfilled promises of scripture. Promises that you are wonderfully made, that God has a plan for your life, my life and your birthmom's life. Promises that God is a Father from which every good and perfect gift comes. Emily, your life is a good and perfect gift.  You are my answered prayer and my fulfilled promise.  The story of you, my darling, is my favorite. 

<3

Birth Mother's Day

Today is Birth Mother's Day.  Honestly, I wish I could celebrate with our birth mom.

She has chosen a closed adoption but we wanted an open one.
There is a lot I can say about it but I am not going to explain that today.
Instead, I just wrote a poem  and maybe one day she'll see it.


Our first Mother's Day it was all so new.
And now we're at the second one
but all I think about is you.

In your plan I have to trust.
But it doesn't stop the wondering,
Does your heart miss us?

I understand, I do, why you stay away.
But it's hard when through her life,
I see glimpses of you everyday.

With you I want to share, her intoxicating smile.
Because forever, no matter what,
she'll always be our child.

As she grows, I see you more and more.
Captivating eyes of sheer perfection
that I am sure you would adore.

Wish I had known the hug would be our last.
I would have held you longer
not let the moment pass so fast.

Your life needs distance, your life needs space.
But I can't stop dreaming
of when Emily sees your face.

I don't know the details of our Father's plans.
But while I'm waiting to hug you again,
I'll just hold her tiny hands.


I love you. Happy Birth Mother's Day.

Hard, Messy, Confusing, Exciting and Beautiful.

Emily's tummy mommy has an exciting moment coming up.  Since it seems the world is getting smaller, I can't say what it is but I am happy for her.

Though,

I wish I could be there.

I wish I could say face to face how proud I am of her.

I wish I could hold her hand as she starts this next chapter of her life as she held mine when we started ours.

Due to the nature of her situation, I can't.

So I will watch from the sidelines with joy as she fulfills her dreams in the same way she will watch from the sidelines as Emily fulfills mine.

 My relationship with Her does not fit in a box or a label.

Adoption is hard, messy, confusing, exciting and beautiful.

Our final court date is September 25th. No more home studies, no more paperwork, no more waiting(at least for now).

Then we will see Her again and she will see Emily.

I'll say it again,  adoption is hard, messy, confusing, exciting and beautiful.

But, oh so worth it.

Gifts, The Giver and Grace

"Every breath is a gift and if life is a gift, there is a giver and if there is a giver- all's grace. When all's grace- we give, because a gift never stops being a gift to be given." - Ann Voscamp

Emily Ann is a gift from a generous Giver.

I want to tell you about her name.

About Emily

I love everyone, seriously, it takes a lot for me to not connect with a person.  However, even massive extroverts like me, have people that they connect with on a deeper level. Emily Hudelson is one of those people.  She is a high-schooler at my church that I see a lot of myself in, only she is wiser at her age than I was.  I feel very strongly that I would be honored to raise my Emily to be like her.  I want my Emily to be like her because she loves Jesus, she tells her friends about him and is kind and helpful.  I have always loved the name Emily and not many kids under age five have that name.  When I look at my sweet Emily, I think of the older Emily that brings me so much joy!

About Ann

Once the pieces came together, this was a slam dunk for her name.

Sully and I were sitting at lunch one day discussing middle names  and I wanted to use Mae. Mae is my middle name and I always thought we would name our little girl with the middle name Mae.  Sully felt like there was really only one Mae in our life right now. Little Baby Mae, she is our first baby love.

Then he suggested Ann.  The initial connection was to the author Ann Voscamp.  God has really used her book as part of our story and continues to do so.  Ann mentions in the book that the Hebrew meaning of her name means "full of grace".  Adoption is full of God's grace.

Ann is my Nannie's middle name. Ann is Carrie's middle name (if you know me at all, you know how I feel about Carrie Ray!)

Added bonus(because God does things in splendor)- Kristy, the friend who introduced us to Her and started this whole thing, her middle name is Ann, no e.  I mean, really?!

Earlier that day, Tummy Mommy and I were texting and I told her that she was giving us a priceless gift. She is Irish, so she was always looking up the meanings of the name suggestions. We mentioned Ann at lunch and she said the Irish meaning was "priceless gift".   I mean, really?!

The most priceless gift I know is grace.

Emily Ann is a gift from The Giver. She is full of Grace because all is grace.  The fact that we waited so long for her, had a failed placement and nights of tears is God's grace.

This story is better than I could have imagined.

All really is grace.

Car Accident

Have you ever been in a car accident?

I feel like I have been in a car accident today. 

We got a call from agency and as our social worker started talking, 

I felt like things were spinning out of control.

Social worker: “She would like to parent.” 

Crash. 

Me: “So we should consider this a done deal?”

Social worker: “Yes” 

Shattered. 

I asked a few more questions and then it was over. 

4 months of texting with Her, 4 months of encouraging Her, 4 months of praying for Her. 4 months of thinking about what it would be like to hold a sweet baby in my arms and not have to give it back to someone else. Almost 4 months of dreams.

Shattered.

I went home and ran to the room that would have been Halle’s and I sobbed. Laying on the floor, running my hands through the rug I bought for her to play on, I screamed and I cried.  It was a sob that is reserved for some of the worst times in life.  

Sully came home, got on the floor and cried with me. 

Can I just be real for a second?

I am feeling so many emotions.  I feel like I tried to stay guarded but that still didn’t protect me. I feel dumb for having crippling grief over something that wasn’t mine. I feel angry that just days ago She was talking to me about the birthdate and the hospital. I do not fault her for deciding to parent but I feel like she made us too many promises. Asking us to name the baby, calling us the parents and giving us all her daughter’s clothes.  I am upset that she couldn’t tell us herself. I get it but it doesn’t change how I feel.  I feel like God is holding out on me. I feel like God could have been protecting me.  I feel exhausted from the process. I feel that God has given me this desire to mother a child and I can’t do anything about it. I feel like a part of me is not functioning. I ask the Lord to close the door before it got to the end if it wasn’t going to happen, so I feel like I should be thankful but it’s hard. 

My heart is breaking in new ways today.  When I was crying on the floor, I looked around the room and saw the Rise and Shine picture that I bought for her room..  I felt like that was what God was telling me to do.  To rise and shine. To even now, shine. 

Even God makes the stars shine in darkness. 

Habakkuk 3:17-19

“The fig trees might not bud, the vines might not produce any grapes and the olive crop might fail. The fields might not produce any food. There may be no sheep in the pens or cattle in the barns. But I will still be glad because of what the Lord has done. God my Savior fills me with joy.  The Lord and King gives me strength. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer. He helps me to walk the steepest mountains.

Climbing up the mountain is hard, especially on days like today. But once we get to the top we will be able to see that, in the words of Ann Voscamp, “these trials will be but a trail.” 

If you are wondering what to do or how to help, here are a few things. 

Pray for her. Pray for us. 

Please don’t ask us tons of questions. This may sound harsh but I am not sure I have the emotional energy to answer them in public.  We are really still very exhausted emotionally by it all. 

Don’t pity us. We have wanted to share along the way but it also makes us feel very exposed. Turn your pity into petitions to the Lord to give us the desire of our heart.  When you see us on Sunday, we’ll take the hugs but I don’t want to distract from anything God wants to do in our Children’s Ministry on Sunday. Those kids are my heart and when I am there, teaching them Jesus is priority number one. It is not about me. 

Thank you for walking with us.

Romans 8:18 “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed in us.”

Love and the Outcome

The day we were supposed to meet our Birthmom and it was canceled because of an ER visit, I cried. Then this song came on the radio- He is with us.

On our way to meet Her for the first time, the song came on again. 

On our way to the ultrasound, again.  The message is so true to our story.  I won't post the lyrics here but you can click the link about to watch a lyric video. 

The basic point of the song: We can trust our God, He knows what He's doing. He is with us. 

It's 9:08am and my stomach has moved north to my throat. We are in the waiting room waiting for our birthmom. I am shaky, nervous and surrounded by preggers.  Then She came in and I felt immediately at peace. Just like I did when we met for the first time.  I am telling you, she and I have a special connection.  

We walk into a small dark room with a fancy ultrasound machine.  She lays on the bed. The ultrasound tech asks her if she would like pictures and a DVD. She replies, "I'm just the tummy mommy- they are the parents. It's up to them."

Seriously? Is this real life? Could God really be blessing us like this? 

The tech showed us a beating heart and took some measurements. Tomorrow, She will be 17 weeks. 

Then the tech asked if we would like to know the gender. 

Ummmm, yes please! 

A girl. A sweet baby girl. It took my breath away. All those open doors closed before so this moment could open.  When we were finished, I went into the hall and cried. It was a happy cry.  Two years of dreaming of a moment and here it is.  

I was talking to my sister about what I should do from here.  I feel torn, I want to be excited and plan but I am fearful. She gave me some good advice, if it doesn't happen I am going to be sad no matter what(even if we didn't celebrate).  So we are going to celebrate and enjoy every.moment.   If it all happens, I don't want to regret not letting myself feel the emotions. 

So this December we will be welcoming Halle Mae to the world.  Want to know what the name Halle means? I looked it up in a baby name book at Women's retreat 2 years ago. The book said, "unexpected gift". 

Adoption is an Unexpected Gift. She may have been Unexpected for her tummy mommy but she is such a gift to all of us. 

Wanna continue on this journey with us? 

Would you support us with prayer? Aug 22nd, we go to see if all the organs are developing properly. 

Would you support us with your junk?  In September, we are going to have a yard sale to try and raise the rest of our funds. We need about $2000 more of our $16,800 total. 

Would you support us financially? Pray about it, if you feel the Lord leading you to help us cover the legal costs, click the donate button on the page. 

Thank you for your prayers today - we could feel them.

Tomorrow.

So when I started this journey, I committed to blogging. Blogging when I am happy, blogging when I am sad and blogging when I am mad.  Much of this blog has been about the wait and my emotions surrounding it.  Now, I want to share how I feel with a birth mom in the picture.  So many adoption blogs describe the wait and then all the sudden they have babies. I had a hard time finding stories that are similar to ours, which is why I want to share the WHOLE process, not just the beginning and the end.

So tomorrow we go to an ultrasound. Let me say that again- TOMORROW we go to an ULTRASOUND! Thank you Jesus!

 There is so much running through my head.

Will the baby be okay? Will this cause her to want to parent? How do I not become attached after this? At what point do we register for stuff? I wonder what we have to have in the beginning until its final? Names?

The birth mom and I have been texting this week. Some of the sweetest messages I have seen in my life have popped up on my screen. I will treasure them forever.  I am keeping every text image, appointment card and scrap paper involved for this baby.

I really feel blessed to have this opportunity but I fear the feeling of the bottom dropping out.  I know God will sustain us if that happens but its hard to carry two big emotions at the same time. On the one hand, I am so excited that it is actually a possibility now. On the other hand, I am terrified that it will all be undone at some point.

Pray for her. Pray for the baby. Pray for us.

We are going to hear a heartbeat tomorrow. The heartbeat of our maybe baby.