Car Accident

Have you ever been in a car accident?

I feel like I have been in a car accident today. 

We got a call from agency and as our social worker started talking, 

I felt like things were spinning out of control.

Social worker: “She would like to parent.” 

Crash. 

Me: “So we should consider this a done deal?”

Social worker: “Yes” 

Shattered. 

I asked a few more questions and then it was over. 

4 months of texting with Her, 4 months of encouraging Her, 4 months of praying for Her. 4 months of thinking about what it would be like to hold a sweet baby in my arms and not have to give it back to someone else. Almost 4 months of dreams.

Shattered.

I went home and ran to the room that would have been Halle’s and I sobbed. Laying on the floor, running my hands through the rug I bought for her to play on, I screamed and I cried.  It was a sob that is reserved for some of the worst times in life.  

Sully came home, got on the floor and cried with me. 

Can I just be real for a second?

I am feeling so many emotions.  I feel like I tried to stay guarded but that still didn’t protect me. I feel dumb for having crippling grief over something that wasn’t mine. I feel angry that just days ago She was talking to me about the birthdate and the hospital. I do not fault her for deciding to parent but I feel like she made us too many promises. Asking us to name the baby, calling us the parents and giving us all her daughter’s clothes.  I am upset that she couldn’t tell us herself. I get it but it doesn’t change how I feel.  I feel like God is holding out on me. I feel like God could have been protecting me.  I feel exhausted from the process. I feel that God has given me this desire to mother a child and I can’t do anything about it. I feel like a part of me is not functioning. I ask the Lord to close the door before it got to the end if it wasn’t going to happen, so I feel like I should be thankful but it’s hard. 

My heart is breaking in new ways today.  When I was crying on the floor, I looked around the room and saw the Rise and Shine picture that I bought for her room..  I felt like that was what God was telling me to do.  To rise and shine. To even now, shine. 

Even God makes the stars shine in darkness. 

Habakkuk 3:17-19

“The fig trees might not bud, the vines might not produce any grapes and the olive crop might fail. The fields might not produce any food. There may be no sheep in the pens or cattle in the barns. But I will still be glad because of what the Lord has done. God my Savior fills me with joy.  The Lord and King gives me strength. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer. He helps me to walk the steepest mountains.

Climbing up the mountain is hard, especially on days like today. But once we get to the top we will be able to see that, in the words of Ann Voscamp, “these trials will be but a trail.” 

If you are wondering what to do or how to help, here are a few things. 

Pray for her. Pray for us. 

Please don’t ask us tons of questions. This may sound harsh but I am not sure I have the emotional energy to answer them in public.  We are really still very exhausted emotionally by it all. 

Don’t pity us. We have wanted to share along the way but it also makes us feel very exposed. Turn your pity into petitions to the Lord to give us the desire of our heart.  When you see us on Sunday, we’ll take the hugs but I don’t want to distract from anything God wants to do in our Children’s Ministry on Sunday. Those kids are my heart and when I am there, teaching them Jesus is priority number one. It is not about me. 

Thank you for walking with us.

Romans 8:18 “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed in us.”