Test me in this

Can we pretend for a moment that I don't work for a church?
Let's pretend that I don't get paid to help families understand and connect with God's Word.

I need you to hear me on something and I want to make sure you realize my perspective is not a reflection of my career.

My perspective is a reflection of my experience.

2015 has been a year of incredible blessing for us.  I have always had loving people in my life and enough of the things we need to live. That alone is a blessing and would be enough if it stopped there.

But this year is different.

In a short amount of time, God has blessed us in so many areas that I am not even sure how to say thank you.

Of course, Emily Ann is such a gift that I feel the need to thank The Lord every time I look at her.

But even beyond her.

It sounds backwards but I have been confused by this lately.  I overwhelmingly feel that I do not deserve what He is giving.  I am a broken person. I am critical of others when I shouldn't be and repent for that daily. I catch myself thinking of my needs before those around me and Jesus constantly asks me to lower myself.  My list goes on and I deserve nothing.   I was thanking God and asking myself why all of the sudden it feels like God is continually blessing us and The Spirit reminded me of these words.

"Bring the whole tithe into the temple, that there may be enough in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of Heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it. "- Malachi 3:10


I believe that we are in this place of blessing now because of our faithfulness before we got to this place. 

Hear me out on this, I believe if you want God's blessing you need to be giving to His work. 
Give with your time and finances to your church and ministries that spread the message of Jesus. 

Before your eyes glaze over and you think I am peddling a wealth gospel, I am not. 
Your timeline may be different than ours. You may sacrificially give for years and not experience a floodgate pouring.  I often thought the "pouring" was in reference to Heaven and maybe it still is for some.   I also wonder if what is holding the "pouring" back for some is us?  What if God has plans to pour out on someone but His believers have their hands clasped shut? 

This is what I gain from this scripture, if you want God to give you a blessing then trust Him with the ones He has already given you. 

A few lines up from Malachi 3:10, God is speaking through the profit and says that people are robbing God. They ask, "How are we robbing you?".  Then God replies with the verse above. 
If I could write my own version of the Bible, I would add that in reality, it seems the person we are robbing when we do not give is ourselves. 


I probably do not directly benefit from challenging you to give sacrificially(unless you go to my church) but I needed you to know. 

Trust God to provide for you. Give a portion back to His mission and see if He leaves you out to dry. 
Test Him.  He said we could. 

Revolving door

A revolving door.

That is what I felt stuck in for 2+ years on our adoption journey. 

Some would describe it as a roller coaster but for me I just really felt like I was walking in a circle and had no idea when the spinning would stop. 

December of last year, it seemed to be slowing down. You can read about it here.

March 4th, the spinning stopped. You can read about that here.

It is amazing how a journey can feel suffocating.  The constant ups and downs for some or the constant feeling on being stuck in a revolving door can be tiring. 

If you are in the waiting process of adoption or infertility(as many of my friends are), I am sorry.  Waiting for something so desperately hoped for is a special kind of pain. 

Once you get to the other side though, once the door stops spinning, you gain clarity. 

I was reading something today and I felt the need to pass it on if you feel like you are stuck walking in circles. 

Oswald Chambers writes in My Utmost for His Highest:

God gives us a vision and then He takes us down to the valley to batter us in the shape of that vision. It is in the valley that many of us give up and faint.  Every God-given vision will become real if we have patience. It is in the valley that God has to put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the point where He can trust us with the reality of the vision.  Ever since God gave the vision, He has been at work.  Over and over we try to escape from the Sculptor's hand in an effort to batter ourselves into our own shape.  Allow the Potter to put you on His wheel and whirl you around as He desires. Don't lose heart, you will turn out as an exact likeness of that vision. 

The spinning or revolving is not useless. 

It has a purpose. 

You have a purpose and your waiting is a result of God wanting His purpose fulfilled in you.

Don't give up. His plan is perfect. 

Capture A Gift

On this day in March, we were given a gift.

I am so blessed to have a sister who has built a career on capturing gifts through her camera lens.

Jessica is an amazing photographer.  Her creativity and eye for natural beauty is a gift in itself.

She and I have come a long way since I stole her clothes and she let me get bit by a dog(kinda kidding).

My sister cried as she took our pictures. She was touched that God had finally given me the desire of my heart. It brought her joy to know that my arms finally held what they always longed for and now she could photograph it.

I think it really came through in the pictures.

She is an amazing photographer. She pours herself into every wedding and every session as if it were her little sister having her dreams come true.

In a time of iPhones, Snapchat and Instagram, I am so thankful to have pictures that can have printed beauty beyond the phone.

I would like to share some of our favorites with you.

I know.

I know.

I have felt it too.  That lump in your heart.

I have wanted to escape, to just check out for a few days until the glaring reminder of my non-mommyhood was gone.

In the morning before church on Mother's Day last year, I sat curling my hair and I just cried.

That moment is so vivid. I can even picture my red eyes and the amount of dust I noticed on the full length mirror.

I cried because I wanted a baby. I cried because everyone else knew I wanted a baby and didn't have one.  I cried because I just didn't feel like dealing with it. I cried because I felt stuck.

But I am an adult.  I wiped my eyes and headed out the door to "work".  Was I trying to be fake? No.  I am there to teach kids about Jesus and help lead those who do. I didn't want my story to distract from God's story that morning.

Some people in the waiting period stay home on this particular Sunday.  To be honest, if I weren't on staff I probably would have stayed home too.

It is a tough thing for churches really.  The desire to is to encourage mommas to keep up the hard work, to thank them for the sacrifice. The downside is the delivery can be like an unintentional dagger for those who want the hard work and to have the opportunity for sacrifice.

I promise you, if you are in the spot I was last year, your church leadership hasn't forgotten you. There have been prayers in staff meetings, Bible studies and private quiet times.

Your heavenly Father has not forgotten you.

Last year, something special happened.

Our church was selling corsages for mommas as a missions fundraiser.  I just pretended the table wasn't there.

Then a family I adore with three sweet girls, Bella, Gabby and Leila came up to me with a pink corsage.

My face gets weepy just looking at this picture.  She didn't pull me aside and give me this big speech or ask me how I was feeling. She just blessed me.  It was like she was saying, "I see you and I love you."

This Mother's Day, I will shed tears.  I will cry because I am thankful.  I will cry because of the sacrifice someone else made to give me the name I have always wanted.

But if you are still waiting, I have been there.

I see you and I love you.

God sees you and He loves you. 

I've wanted to tell you.

There are so many things I have wanted to tell all of you.

A baby changes everything.

So now, as she sleeps with the quiet hum of the noise machine, I will share.

I've wanted to tell you how in shock I was in the beginning.  I was so disoriented and scared. Scared that I couldn't do it, scared it was too hard.  My life was immediately different and I didn't feel like me. I didn't feel safe.  Then I felt guilt.  I learned early in my life that the darkness that the enemy tries to bring loses it's power when it is exposed to light.  So I exposed my feelings to an online adoption group. Within minutes, I had over 100 comments and messages from other women who had experienced the same thing.  Turns out what I was experiencing was completely normal. It is amazing how much better I felt when I opened up!

I've wanted to tell you how much I love my husband. I have wanted a baby since I was one myself. Before Emily came, I wondered if she would effect my love for Sully or if I would have to work at making him first in my heart.  Maybe it's different with adoption but she has effected it.  I didn't think I could love my husband more than I already did.  His love for Emily Ann has caused me to fall for him even more.  He has been so giving and helpful!  I am blessed to be his wife.

I've wanted to tell you how much I miss Her. Emily Ann's birthmother and I went from texting several times every day to hardly any contact.  This is how it was planned but after going through this process together, delivering the sweet baby together and bonding, it is hard.  I think about Her all the time. I want to share every new moment with Her but I can't. I think She is the strongest and bravest woman I know.  I truly love Her.  Until you have a relationship with a birthmother, I am not sure you can ever really grasp the dynamic of the relationship. No, it isn't rainbows all the time. There are fears  and insecurities, ways she and I live differently but we are bonded for life.  She could have chosen to not bring Emily into this world but instead she decided to give up her world to give me mine.  

Most of all, I have wanted to tell you that The Lord hears you.
Those of you that prayed for us, The Lord heard you.
Those of you that are going through something, The Lord hears you.
Those of you that are waiting, I promise, The Lord hears you. 

Gifts, The Giver and Grace

"Every breath is a gift and if life is a gift, there is a giver and if there is a giver- all's grace. When all's grace- we give, because a gift never stops being a gift to be given." - Ann Voscamp

Emily Ann is a gift from a generous Giver.

I want to tell you about her name.

About Emily

I love everyone, seriously, it takes a lot for me to not connect with a person.  However, even massive extroverts like me, have people that they connect with on a deeper level. Emily Hudelson is one of those people.  She is a high-schooler at my church that I see a lot of myself in, only she is wiser at her age than I was.  I feel very strongly that I would be honored to raise my Emily to be like her.  I want my Emily to be like her because she loves Jesus, she tells her friends about him and is kind and helpful.  I have always loved the name Emily and not many kids under age five have that name.  When I look at my sweet Emily, I think of the older Emily that brings me so much joy!

About Ann

Once the pieces came together, this was a slam dunk for her name.

Sully and I were sitting at lunch one day discussing middle names  and I wanted to use Mae. Mae is my middle name and I always thought we would name our little girl with the middle name Mae.  Sully felt like there was really only one Mae in our life right now. Little Baby Mae, she is our first baby love.

Then he suggested Ann.  The initial connection was to the author Ann Voscamp.  God has really used her book as part of our story and continues to do so.  Ann mentions in the book that the Hebrew meaning of her name means "full of grace".  Adoption is full of God's grace.

Ann is my Nannie's middle name. Ann is Carrie's middle name (if you know me at all, you know how I feel about Carrie Ray!)

Added bonus(because God does things in splendor)- Kristy, the friend who introduced us to Her and started this whole thing, her middle name is Ann, no e.  I mean, really?!

Earlier that day, Tummy Mommy and I were texting and I told her that she was giving us a priceless gift. She is Irish, so she was always looking up the meanings of the name suggestions. We mentioned Ann at lunch and she said the Irish meaning was "priceless gift".   I mean, really?!

The most priceless gift I know is grace.

Emily Ann is a gift from The Giver. She is full of Grace because all is grace.  The fact that we waited so long for her, had a failed placement and nights of tears is God's grace.

This story is better than I could have imagined.

All really is grace.

"I have loved you," says the Lord. Malachi 1:2

We got the call Tuesday night about 9:00pm.

Sully and I rushed home and collected our things.  The car was out of gas  and we hit every red light between here and Williamson Medical Center.  I thought I was about to burst!

We get all checked in and settled with Her and her friend who was there to support her.

They ask Her what the name is and She waits for me to answer.  I reply, "Emily Ann with no e".  (more on the name choice later)

The nurse then says, "That is my full name too, no e".

She and I give each other a wide-mouthed look at how incredibly cool that is.

Then the nurse who is going to help deliver the baby comes in. She is a petite spunky nurse named Carly.  She goes over the birth plan and then tells us that she is adopted!

Again, She and I look at each other with this baffled look at how all of this is coming together.

Time passes(rather quickly) and the doctor comes in to prep and talk through the transitioning. We had the on call doctor, Dr. Heather Rupe.  She was amazing.  Added bonus, she is an adoptive momma!   The doctor went on to affirm Her and she even said, "Birthmoms are VIP when I am here because I know how special they are." 

Is this real life?

She starts to feel pressure and shake, it's go time!

If you would have asked me a month ago how I would feel at that moment, I would have said terrified and dizzy.

The spunky nurse coached me through how to hold her legs and help her in the process.  I felt totally at peace and calm.  Luckily, one of my best friends made me watch her birthing videos in the past so I was prepared for the scene.

So there I was, one hand holding Hers and the other hand holding her leg.

Again, is this real life? I can't believe I get to be in this moment. 

They asked Sully if he wanted to hold the other leg and coach her through with us.  He hesitantly agreed.  About 10 minutes into pushing, he starts looking pale.  I told him to go sit down. The doctor took one look at him and put him in a chair with a cold compress.  Then She had her friend take his spot. Five minutes in and he was down too.

Me? I was rocking it! It was all Jesus. I have to lay down when I get shots and can faint when people just talk about medical procedures.  If you know me personally, you know this was the Holy Spirit because I watched everything with amazement and felt so strong and sure.

30 minutes later, she was here.  When she came out, She and I both cried.  I have never in my life seen anything more amazing.  How a person can deny the existence of a Creator God is beside me.
They told me to go look at my baby and surprisingly I wanted to stay there with Her and just tell her everything that was on my heart at that moment.  She said, "No, you go look at your baby."

She was amazing at first site.

After the fact, the queasy boys were the talk of the floor. :)

The rest of the night really was a blur.  Emily ate so well! Initially, the hospital told us we could not bring in breast milk. I did a little digging and with advice from friends, we were able to make it work!

She did not want us to have visitors due to the privacy and vulnerability of the situation.

I was so thrilled the next morning when a nurse came in and said good morning.  It was our friend Jill Thyen!  I said out loud, "Jill!".  I was so excited that she was the nurse for Her.

Jill even went and got a little gift for both of us.  I am so grateful for the compassion.

God's provision doesn't stop there.

On our way to the hospital, I texted our friend Mary Ellen. She works in the nursery at WMC. I asked her if she was scheduled to work and she said no.

The morning Emily came,  I go out into the hall and who do I see? Mary Ellen! They had called her earlier to ask her if she could fill in and of course she jumped at the chance!  She told all the other nurses she had dibs on sweet Emily!

Two of our sisters in Christ from our church family got to experience this with us! What a gift!

The rest of our time there was really special and I will treasure the moments forever.

We are so thankful for all the calls, posts, texts and gifts that you all have given. This has truly been amazing.

I don't think the magnitude of this has hit me yet.  I feel like I don't deserve such a precious gift.

Emily is a work of heavenly art.  Her long fingers, thick hair, tan skin and sweet lips are perfect.

Every time I look at her, one verse comes to mind.

"I have loved you," says the Lord. - Malachi 1:2

Yes, indeed He has.