Different but good.

So we didn't get to go to an ultrasound today.

We got to the appointment and She wasn't there.  The receptionists asked us if we had an appointment. We told her no and explained the situation. She said no one had an appointment that morning because the doctor was doing a surgery.

Okay….

So I tried to call her and her phone was off.  My stomach dropped.  Of course, my mind goes to the worst place. She has changed her mind, I thought. Sully and I exchanged an "Oh no" look.

I tried again and she answered. In my heart I screamed, PRAISE JESUS. 

She proceeded to tell us that it got changed and she got tied up and forgot to call. She has had some family things going this week, so this is completely understandable.

Sully and I were bummed but then She asked if we would like to come to her house and get a bunch of baby girl clothes that she would like to give us. Her 8 month old daughter had worn these and she was passing them on to us.  We agreed and made our way to her house.

I want to pause the story for a minute- this journey up to this point has been so different than what we expected and so different than what we have been trained on. I never would have thought I would be texting with Her and receiving baby clothes and sweet messages.

We had a nice time visiting with her and playing with her other kids.  There were two big questions I needed to ask her. I have been scared to ask and even talked to adoptive families about how I should bring them up.

Guess what? I didn't have to. She brought them up by no prompting of my own!

On our way I told Sully that I would only bring them up if The Holy Spirit prompted me.  Turns out, He prompted her instead. What a relief!

I really wanted to see the baby today. I really want to know everything is developing okay. I really want to meet the doctor.  None of that happened today but it's really good.

Today was different but good.  We got to bond with Her in her home and I am not sure we would have had that if the regular appointment happened.

Thank you Jesus!

Unexpected Gifts

If you have been following our posts, you know that we are expecting a sweet baby girl in December! You can read more about it here.

We decided on the name Halle Mae because Halle means, "unexpected gift".   That is one of the best ways I can describe this whole journey.  All along the way we have received so many unexpected gifts. I want to celebrate those with you all.

God is good.

Gifts of Provision

When we first started on this journey,  I was concerned about the cost. The cheapest (sounds weird to try and find the bargain in the saving of lives) agency we could find was about $17,000 in fees.   Sully and I are very blessed by the places we work. We are always provided for and have often had a little extra to have nice things like our house, iPhones etc.  However, we aren't doctors or lawyers either. :)   We are in the stages of just starting our life and and paying of student loans(ugh). $17,000 seemed like a mountain to me.

A wise person I work with shared with me that God will just take care of it. At that time I thought, "I wish I had faith like that."   She was right.

Over the last two years, God has really provided for this baby through people. Yes, Sully and I are saving too, but we have come so far with the help of others.  God spoke to others on our behalf.
He whispered in the hearts to help fulfill the promise of adoption.  Those gifts did so much more than just help provide financially, they gave me hope. The provided peace knowing that God was moving on our behalf even when he seemed very silent.  After we announced that we were expecting a girl, I felt very foolish. I was worried I had spoken to soon. What if it falls through, how embarrassing?
Once again, God showed me that this was all His plan too.  We wrote in the blog that we needed $2000 more to be fully funded.  On Sunday, we had received $1000 dollars.  Two families who have kids of their own, mortgages to pay and school supplies to buy, thought of us.  I could tell you story after story.  I am reminded of $2000 from a couple and $20 from a friend- different amounts both very sacrificial.  God love this baby so much that He is calling people to sacrifice for her.   I am so humbled.

Gifts of Truth

This whole journey people have been speaking God's truth to us. I would like to write specifically about two conversations I had on Sunday.

 I was telling the whole story to a friend of mine at church.
 I was asking her to pray and telling her that I was prepping myself for worst case scenario, sharing that I know God will sustain us either way.  She stopped me and said, "There is no worst case scenario, you wanted to minster to a birth mom and you are doing that now." She was right, we did want to minister to a birth mom and we are doing that.  Yes, we REALLY want a baby but we feel very called to showing God's love to her regardless of us being part of her future or not.  Part of our calling was already being fulfilled and I was missing it.

About an hour later I was sharing with a different friend. I asked her to pray because I found myself wanting to regain control.  When you are waiting to meet a birth mom or have no prospects, you often feel like you are in a revolving door. You have no control and it only stops when God says.  You have to rely on God because that is the only option.  Now that "the door" has stopped and it is time to actually move forward my head and hands want to take control but my heart knows not to do that.  I told my friend that I am a hazard to myself and want to keep my hands off of the control but its very hard.  She looked at me and said something that brought tears to my eyes later.

She said, "Melissa, you heavenly Father is pleased with you. He is pleased with you. You need to know that.  The fact that you recognize where you fall short and want His way over yours brings joy to His heart." She continued to hug me and said again, "He is pleased with you."  

I could write a whole post about why that ministered to me so much but I need to save that for another day.

 With these stories there have been countless Facebook messages and emails that have been so encouraging to us. God is writing our names on peoples hearts and I am so thankful they are letting the Holy Spirit use them to minister to us.

Gifts of Prayer

This one is the most unseen of them all but I am convinced it is the most powerful.  So many people have been praying for us.  There are people who have been praying for us every day for the last two years.  Intercession is a gift.  There is so much beauty in the fact that each individual has enough to ask God for in their own life but they are going to take time to talk to Him about our life.
Prayer is powerful and effective.  I will never forget the moments in prayer with friends in my office before we met our birth mom. They laid hands on us, blessed us and the Lord brought peace through their words.  I don't doubt there were people praying for us even when I felt like God was holding out on me or had forgotten me.  There were people praying when I didn't want to talk about it.
 I am so thankful for my friend, we'll call her K.  More than once, I called her and I cried. One day we sat on the floor at the office and I just cried on her lap. She held me and prayed over me.  I am tears thinking about it now. I am also positive that I will have tears on her lap again at some point in the future and she will pray over me again.  Blessed to call her friend.

Thank you, Jesus!

James 1:17- "Every good and perfect gift is from above."  Even the unexpected ones.

Love and the Outcome

The day we were supposed to meet our Birthmom and it was canceled because of an ER visit, I cried. Then this song came on the radio- He is with us.

On our way to meet Her for the first time, the song came on again. 

On our way to the ultrasound, again.  The message is so true to our story.  I won't post the lyrics here but you can click the link about to watch a lyric video. 

The basic point of the song: We can trust our God, He knows what He's doing. He is with us. 

It's 9:08am and my stomach has moved north to my throat. We are in the waiting room waiting for our birthmom. I am shaky, nervous and surrounded by preggers.  Then She came in and I felt immediately at peace. Just like I did when we met for the first time.  I am telling you, she and I have a special connection.  

We walk into a small dark room with a fancy ultrasound machine.  She lays on the bed. The ultrasound tech asks her if she would like pictures and a DVD. She replies, "I'm just the tummy mommy- they are the parents. It's up to them."

Seriously? Is this real life? Could God really be blessing us like this? 

The tech showed us a beating heart and took some measurements. Tomorrow, She will be 17 weeks. 

Then the tech asked if we would like to know the gender. 

Ummmm, yes please! 

A girl. A sweet baby girl. It took my breath away. All those open doors closed before so this moment could open.  When we were finished, I went into the hall and cried. It was a happy cry.  Two years of dreaming of a moment and here it is.  

I was talking to my sister about what I should do from here.  I feel torn, I want to be excited and plan but I am fearful. She gave me some good advice, if it doesn't happen I am going to be sad no matter what(even if we didn't celebrate).  So we are going to celebrate and enjoy every.moment.   If it all happens, I don't want to regret not letting myself feel the emotions. 

So this December we will be welcoming Halle Mae to the world.  Want to know what the name Halle means? I looked it up in a baby name book at Women's retreat 2 years ago. The book said, "unexpected gift". 

Adoption is an Unexpected Gift. She may have been Unexpected for her tummy mommy but she is such a gift to all of us. 

Wanna continue on this journey with us? 

Would you support us with prayer? Aug 22nd, we go to see if all the organs are developing properly. 

Would you support us with your junk?  In September, we are going to have a yard sale to try and raise the rest of our funds. We need about $2000 more of our $16,800 total. 

Would you support us financially? Pray about it, if you feel the Lord leading you to help us cover the legal costs, click the donate button on the page. 

Thank you for your prayers today - we could feel them.

Tomorrow.

So when I started this journey, I committed to blogging. Blogging when I am happy, blogging when I am sad and blogging when I am mad.  Much of this blog has been about the wait and my emotions surrounding it.  Now, I want to share how I feel with a birth mom in the picture.  So many adoption blogs describe the wait and then all the sudden they have babies. I had a hard time finding stories that are similar to ours, which is why I want to share the WHOLE process, not just the beginning and the end.

So tomorrow we go to an ultrasound. Let me say that again- TOMORROW we go to an ULTRASOUND! Thank you Jesus!

 There is so much running through my head.

Will the baby be okay? Will this cause her to want to parent? How do I not become attached after this? At what point do we register for stuff? I wonder what we have to have in the beginning until its final? Names?

The birth mom and I have been texting this week. Some of the sweetest messages I have seen in my life have popped up on my screen. I will treasure them forever.  I am keeping every text image, appointment card and scrap paper involved for this baby.

I really feel blessed to have this opportunity but I fear the feeling of the bottom dropping out.  I know God will sustain us if that happens but its hard to carry two big emotions at the same time. On the one hand, I am so excited that it is actually a possibility now. On the other hand, I am terrified that it will all be undone at some point.

Pray for her. Pray for the baby. Pray for us.

We are going to hear a heartbeat tomorrow. The heartbeat of our maybe baby.

Do you want to be well?

This post has nothing to do with our adoption really, but I felt called to share. This is the platform I have so here we are.

I believe a lot of people are walking around not feeling good.  There is a reason why so much national attention is going people getting healthy.  I have been on a natural health journey for a few years now. Each year I learn a little bit more, gather a new tool or understand our biochemistry in a way I hadn't before.

I wanted to share what has helped me get to a place where I feel well. I am not perfect but I would like to pass on the tools I have gathered and maybe they will help someone.

I love the question that Jesus asks the lame man in John 5, "Do you want to become well?".   It seems like a silly question but I think Jesus had a point. This man had been laying there for a very long time and to be well would be to completely change his life.

So I am asking you, if you feel bad, do you want to be well?   I am not a doctor but I have learned a lot along the way. It does take change though, major change.

Wellness Tip #1- You have to be spiritually well. I believe the way to do that is through Jesus.  I think Mind, Body and Spirit are more connected than we think.  Through the gift of the Holy Spirit we can have peace, self-control and joy. All these things help us to feel well. You can't ignore the spiritual and expect our minds to be truly well.  Read your Bible, Pray, Worship, Give and Serve.

Wellness Tip #2- Free your mind and the rest will follow. :)   Get some counseling or get in a community where you can actually tell your struggles and your fears. I think everyone would benefit from counseling. If you can't afford it- find a friend who will help you even if it isn't what you want to hear. I really believe, however, that Christian counseling is worth its weight in gold.

Wellness Tip #3- You are what you eat. Don't eat crap. Your intestinal health is the gateway to the rest of your body feeling well. Figure out what foods your body can and can't handle. Eliminate things and test them back out. The Virgin Diet is great for this.  Don't follow fads.  Don't eat gluten free just because everyone else is. Find out if you actually have an intolerance. You can do this with a food allergy panel or through an elimination diet.  I lost 15 pounds and it was not by working out but finding out what my body couldn't handle and eliminating it. You can test foods back out because sensitivities change. Eating real, whole foods will solve so many of our modern day problems. I have seen it with my own eyes. Gut issues, mood issues, hormone issues, thyroid issues  and inflammation issues can all be helped by a clean diet.  Processed food is not good for you. I still have some from time to time but if it comes from a box chances are its not real food.  Read labels. When you eat out, ask for ingredients list. Find out about the chemicals you are eating. Educate yourself. Find out why people are going organic or avoiding GMO's.  Say no. You don't have to have dessert everyday after every meal. You don't have to drink coke everyday. Say no sometimes. Use it as a treat. People say everything in moderation. I love what JJ Virgin says, "Moderation makes you fat". Its a relative term and hard to draw a line.  Find a friend who eats healthy and learn from them.  Bottom line- Have self-control, know what is in your food and where it came from.

Wellness Tip #4- Herbs, Supplements, Minerals and Oils.  When your body needs an extra push on operating correctly there are so many wonderful non-chemical things you can take. This section is about my toolkit.  There are some great books for this. I will post the links at the bottom.  I do want to say that I am not against pharmaceuticals 100%, I just think they are often used as a bandaid. I think sometimes we aren't getting to the root issue. I also think they don't have to be the first line of defense. Try something natural first and if it doesn't work, then try something a bit stronger. When we start to see symptoms, it is because something is deficient in our bodies. So instead of treating the symptoms, why not repair what is not working?  Depending on what the ailment is determines what you can use to help it. DON'T UNDERESTIMATE VITAMINS. B-12, D, E, C and MAGNESIUM are crucial.  Everyday I have a few herbs I take and some supplements. I love essential oils as well.  I would also like to add a note about that. Essential Oils are great and I think they are a big help. However, I think they should be part of a natural health toolkit, not the whole thing.  For example, if you need an amino acid for your neurotransmitters to fire correctly, an oil cannot create that amino acid. It can help with the transmitting and it can help the flight or fight response but the body will need to have that amino acid.  I think they can work together. Now for things like allergies, cramps, snoring and relaxation we love oils. I would just caution you to do your research. Some reps may tell you to ditch your RX and switch to oils. Don't do that without talking to a real doctor or a holistic practitioner. If you have questions about oils and would like to know more, let me know. I will share with you how we use them.

Wellness Tip #5- Find a doctor who will research with you. Find someone who is open to alternative methods as well as traditional methods. THESE ARE HARD TO FIND! If you don't know how to start the process or which questions to ask- I can help you with that.  My doctor and my close friends have been the biggest influencer in moving forward on this journey.  Find someone who is willing to run test after test to figure out what your body is communicating. You have to be your advocate  though. Ask questions and ask for resources. Don't sugarcoat how you feel and do what they say. Take advantage of books, seminars and webcasts that they suggest. Always be learning from them.

Here are the books we use at home:
Herbs, Minerals and Supplements Resource
The Mood Cure
Best Cookbook
Resource Guide for Essential Oils

Oh yeah- You should probably exercise too. I am still working on this one. :)

What the what?

July 8th

I am not ready to share this yet, but I need to write. I need to do something.  So maybe I will expose these later or maybe these posts will be forever kept between me and the screen.

On Sunday, a dear friend sent us a text. She asked that we be praying and if she could give us a call later in the day.

Sully and I both felt like this had to do with a baby.

Turns out- a woman in her church is pregnant  and cannot raise the baby. She has started looking into options. She visited a Planned Parenthood and was clear that she did not want to have an abortion. They told her to seek out someone at her church. She reached out to my friend.  My friend told her about us and with no prompting, the birth mom asked to meet us.

In the words of Tina Fey, "What the what?".

We are meeting her at 10 am on Friday.  Cue the "whats".

What do I wear?

What do I say?

What do I bring?

What do I pray?

At this point hardly anyone knows. But God does. In a weird way, I feel like it is hard for me to pray right now. I'm scared. Scared to get my hopes up.  I am praying the Holy Spirit will just carry us through.


July 11th-

Today is the day. We are meeting a birthmom. It is so interesting how God can bring you to these moments that you never would have imagined on your own.  This morning the Lord brought Deuteronomy 31:8 to mind, "The Lord Himself will go before you".  I know God will be with us this morning.   During our meeting this morning there is actually a second birth mom that will be hearing about us today.  There are a variety of outcomes after today but I have to trust that God is in each one.

I am at peace but only because of Jesus.  I shed a few tears earlier this week and was scared to death.  Then it occurred to me that Satan was trying to shortchange an experience that should make me happy and thankful.  Fear was being a thief and stealing my joy about the open door.

There is still only a small handful of people that know at this point. I have been hesitant to tell people because it is just a first meeting. This young woman has not said for sure that she wants to make an adoption plan.  I think meeting us is a chance for her to figure out if that is something she is interested in.

A friend of mine went through this. She met a birth mom and they decided they would make an adoption plan that included my friend and her husband. They walked through the pregnancy with her, told family had showers and opened their hearts to their soon to be child.  Then, as some birth moms do, she decided to parent. I was talking with my friend to get some advice on this meeting and she said,

" I would just try to speak from your heart as cheesy as that sounds...whether or not this girl chooses adoption, you guys may be the only way that she sees Jesus so just try and love her well in any way you can! If she's early just try to remember that she will probably still have lots of questions and be unsure about things and that's ok. Probably the best way you can make her feel comfortable is just by letting her know that no matter what her decision ends up being, you guys will support her--that's the hardest part I think. Loving her even if she chooses to parent...it's tough."


I am so thankful for the body of Christ.  God collided my life with another young woman who is on this adoption path in a similar way. He allowed her to speak to me from her experience. I hate that she had to walk through something so sad but I am glad that even this point she can still speak about loving like Jesus. That takes a heart that is in love with Jesus.

So now I will work for a few hours and then head out. As much as I want a child, my prayer must be that this mom will feel God's love for her through this meeting. "He must increase and I must decrease".  Everything is about Him.  Even if we welcome a baby in our home, the goal is to bring glory through that child to Him. It is all about Jesus.  The mission for today is not to talk someone into giving us a baby but  to glorify God.

Same Day July 11th-

So it's 10:00 am. We were supposed to be meeting with the birth mom but we're not. Instead, we are praying for her and the baby. She went to the hospital at 3am with bleeding. That is all we know at this point. She sent a text to our mutual friend. She wanted us to know that she had been looking forward to this all week. She really was talking about how she felt God had brought this all together.   Maybe God wants me to show his love through a different journey with her than the one we were expecting.  We don't know what is going on but God does.

Evening of July 11th

The mom is home. They think everything is okay. She goes back for tests next week.  She said she doesn't want to meet us until they tell her the baby is okay. She is very concerned for us and wants to protect our hearts.  I can't imagine how a person who has never met me can have such strong feelings for me.  So now we wait some more.

Hot Water

Somewhere between learning to walk and graduating High school, we create a set of expectations. 

As 4 and 5 year olds, we are asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" - and we start expecting.

As 6-9 year olds,  we play with Barbies  and toys that help us pretend to be in our adult life. Barbie meets Ken and they have a sweet convertible. Wait?! They got a travel camper too?!  We get baby dolls and play house for hours. - and we start expecting.

As 10-14 year olds, we hear, "You can change the world!" -and we start expecting.

As 15-18 year olds, we start to make steps to achieve the adult life we have always expected. Making good grades, playing sports and doing community service are all part of the plan to get us to a future place. - and we start expecting. 

As college students, you move in, blink and then it's over.  Now we're ready for all our expectations to be fulfilled. 

We are ready for our expected career, expected spouse, expected house and expected kids. 

But what happens when it isn't what we expected? 

In exactly one week, I will turn 28. 

Naturally, birthdays get you thinking about your past and your future. 

While I was washing my hair this morning, I kept thinking, "When I was a kid, I thought I would be a mommy by 28."  This part of my life is not what I expected. It didn't look like this in my head.

Then I heard from the Wonderful Counselor, "think of the expectations The Lord has fulfilled. Your dream job, in which you change the world one child at a time. Your dream Husband, even though he doesn't have the red convertible, looks pretty nice in a 04 Toyota Avalon. Your precious home, that God provided at just the right time. At the least, be grateful for the hot water hitting your face right now. You have so much to be grateful for, even if it's just hot water." 

Sometimes we are cheated by our own expectations. Sometimes I think we expect them as a whole and aren't happy if they are independent of each other.  

Which made me think, my expectations are a luxury.  

There are so many people around the world who don't expect these dreams but they pray to survive. They pray to have clean water, they pray to have enough food and they pray to keep their children safe. 

And all the while- they are grateful. 

So to answer the question above, what happens when it isn't what we expected? 

Be grateful even if it's just for hot water.