I Want To Be All The Things

I want to be a devoted follower of Jesus.

I want to be a servant-hearted wife.

I want to be an intentional mother.

I want to be an impactful pastor.

I want to be healthy in my mind and body.

I want to have thriving friendships.

I want to be all the things.


All of the above are good. All of the above are ordained. All of the above are callings and all of the above have an eternal impact.

But if I am strong in one area for a time, something else seems to suffer.  It's like they are all constantly in conflict with one another.

I think it's a season, but maybe not.  Sure, I have toddlers. But while their physical needs of potty-training and  The boo-boos take time, it's nothing in comparison to the issues of the teenage years. So the season will look different but the emotional attention will only increase.

I ask God weekly, to show me which one of the things I should stop or give less time.

Update: silence. Well, that's not entirely true. It's not been complete silence. If anything, it's, keep going. 

And so I carry on with an unbalanced amount for these each week. Some weeks I am the most devoted follower of Jesus and some weeks I am the most intentional mother. However, those are the weeks, I don't take care of myself or feel like I am not going above and beyond for the church. Then there are weeks where I am a devoted wife/homemaker and an "all-in" pastor but my kids just see my working. Housework and ministry "work" looks the same to them.  I had a moment this week where someone said, "you and my wife should hang out". To which I replied, I'd like that but I don't have time for friends".  Not okay. Sure, I could make time but then its time away from Sully, or kids, or self-care or .......

Usually, with this blog, I share some devotional truth that the Holy Spirit has given to me but I don't have one this time. Actually, I am hoping you do.

If you feel pulled in 7 eternity-impacting directions, how do you manage it?

Help a girl out.

Holding A Miracle.

Two years ago today, I experienced one of my Top 3 favorite moments of my life. I experienced a day I never thought would be part of my story.   At about this time, I was sitting at Williamson Medical with my favorite people waiting for Ezra to arrive.

If we're new friends, you might not know.

You might not know that we didn't think we could have kids.  You might not know about our failed adoption and how awful that was. I will always remember the burn my eyes felt from the tears.

You might not know about the amazing story of when we found out about our birth mom.

You might not even know the beautiful picture God painted at Emily's birth.

______________________________________

So there I was at the hospital, wanting to come out as unscathed as possible. My goal was simple, not die.  I have always been terrified of birth and actually never mourned the idea of no delivery when we were waiting for children.

God did so much more than allow me to "not die".

It was about 7pm, everything was prepped and the worship music was going. "Unstoppable God" was playing when my boy entered the world.  My favorite line of that song is, "impossible things in your name will still be done".

On paper, it was impossible for me to be in the place I was that evening.   They handed my son to me and I was overwhelmed.  I held him and all I could utter was, "Thank you Jesus,  I praise you, Jesus".

 I have never felt so close to God in my entire life.  Through my body and into my hands I experienced creation.  Here was this tiny soul, entrusted to me that didn't exist before.  Ezra had been handcrafted and brought here by the power of God and I was holding that in my hands. 

The nature of our Creator was in my hands. 

                                     

I can't believe this baby miracle is two years old today. I feel like someone has hit the fast-forward button on my life.

Nowadays there is much less time holding our miracle and much more time spent chasing, wrestling and FEEDING (but for real, how can he eat so much?) our miracle.

When I was waiting with empty arms, I was so mad at God.

But, oh my word, I would have missed out on the incredible beauty of the moments I experienced when both of my miracles came into the world.

So happy birthday to my boy that it is a living reminder that God is still in the business of doing the amazing. God is still in the business of creating and God is still in the business of doing far more than we can ask or imagine.

In the words of my girl AV,

eucharisteo

More Than A Party

Last weekend we celebrated my sweet boy turning two. My boy loves balls so naturally, we had to go big with that. 

Part of me wishes I had a taken more photos with the exact right lighting and composition but toddlers are fast and I wanted to be in the moment.

What a sweet moment it was.  I had planned for us to be outside playing for a good chunk of the time but after a short time outside, a storm popped up and drove wild children with whistles into my house.

It was packed. It was loud. And I loved it.

We were deeply rooted at WellSpring. We built our life there for close to a decade. We got engaged there, married there and brought our babies home there.  Rooted.

For the first several months here, I felt like I was Dorothy waking up from Oz and trying to find counterparts for my WellSpring family. I would see remnants of my Carrie in people or try desperately to find another Scott. I found someone I can roll my eyes with and that made me think of my Becky. I even found someone who talks exactly like Jodi Barnhill, y'all.  People, I even miss my doctors. Who does that?

But none of it is the same and if I am outright honest, which I always have been on this blog, I struggle with that.  I miss my people.  Even writing this, my eyes water and my heart flutters.

But last weekend was a turning point.

I felt rooted.  I looked around and saw all these people that have blessed my heart so much and I never would have met them. I would not have Margie, who has a heart of gold and tells like it is(P.S-She is a huge blessing to Compassion Christian Kids). I wouldn't have Maggie, who walked almost the exact same journey of waiting, adoption loss and finally bringing adopted children home, 7 DAYS after I brought Emily home. Same year.  There wouldn't be Denise (also the counterpart to Kelly G), who has been so open and loving and can see my sass and raise it. I wouldn't have Catherine and Dylan that will put on the janky Moana wig when my three-year-old asks them too.

This weekend was more than a party.

It was a reminder that we are blooming where we have been planted, we are loved and that the Church around the world is really just a group of friends in places we haven't met yet.

I miss my WellSpring people but I also love my Compassion fam.

And I guess that's one of the beauties of Heaven. I will have them both.

And Jesus.

That will truly be more than a party.

Pillow Fights to Firearms

Tonight I was having a pillow fight with my soon to be three-year-old. The sound of her laughter filled our entire home.  As I was watching the twinkle in her eye and the joy on her face, I found it hard to breathe. My mind filled with thought after thought about the most recent tragedy in our country.

What if she lost her life to an active shooter, would I remember this moment and that look on her face? Would I remember the sweet sound of her little body booming with giant laughter?

Which moments are those mommas clinging to right now? What do I not want to miss? Oh, those mommas! Their toddlers turned into teens who lives were taken.  Does your heart ever stop throbbing?

What happens to pillow fight type moments, ya know the ones as a parent that make you overwhelmed by the beauty of your child when they are cut short by firearms?

I imagine I would want to remember them all. I'd keep my eyes closed until they were closed for good if it meant I could see them more clearly.

And what about the shooter? Did no one hold his tiny fingers? Did anyone treasure him before he terrorized them? How do you go from a child that pillow fights to an adult that takes lives? 

Sure, I have thoughts on gun rights and strong feelings about mental health but neither of these makes evil go away.  I am not suggesting we throw our hands up in defeat but I want to be realistic about the solution.

You may say my thoughts and prayers are trite but I don't care, I am going to say them anyway.

 There is no denying that the scenes are pure evil. Can you have evil without good?

My only hope is that there is One that gives good light in this darkness. He promises that one day He is going to mend broken things and the light will shine in between.

I pray that my children will fall in love with that good light, Jesus, and I won't have to close my eyes to see the joy on their face or hear their laughter.

A Few Good Men

It seems that a new allegation of sexual abuse hits the media every.single.day.

I wish I could say I was shocked each time I read the story. I am not. In fact, my own journey has contained some #metoo moments and I am thankful individuals who have been objectified are saying that time is up.

Last night, we watched Kesha's emotional Grammy performance. She sang a song about overcoming past hurt. When I woke up this morning, I was reminded of my past hurts. Hurts that I am not comfortable sharing in this context but they are there.

But I was also reminded of something else.

A different group of men.

A group of men that saw past my gender into my spirit and supported me. Men who encouraged me, men who provided opportunities without solicitation and men who coached me.

There are some real bad eggs out there but there are a few good men still out there. Turns out not all men are creepers.

I am who I am because of the men.

Men like my Dad, who is the ultimate prayer warrior and encourager.

Men like Nate Bush, who led camps and then gave students like me a chance to be on worship teams and leadership groups.

Men like Patrick Snow, who saw a call on my life for Children's Ministry before I even knew what it was.

Men like Brent D'Altilio, who married my best friend at a young age but let me have a front row seat to what a good husband looks like.

Men like Chris Booth, who took time to invest in me as an intern and really taught me how to be effective in practical ministry.

Men like Andy Hudelson, who took a chance on a young college graduate without a resume full of experience. Andy never limited me because I was female.  He gave me a platform to create and preach. Yes, I said the "p" word. Andy only ever did things that would make me better. Andy walked the fine line of boss/pastor/friend in the best way.

Men like Shaun Groves, who was vulnerable enough to share in his struggles. When I walked through my own anxiety/depression journey, his openness was a huge part of my healing.

Men like Brian Seay, who took the role of elder very seriously. He advocated for me for 8 years, prayed for me and spent time walking me through what Biblical discernment looks like. So thankful.

Men like my Husband, Sully Cook, who have loved me unconditionally. This man has seen me at my worst and loves me still. This man is an excellent father who always got up in the middle of the night and never felt like parenting was only for me. This man makes me laugh often and we are truly partners. And, dang that boy can play the drums!

To the men on this list, I am forever grateful.  What may have seemed like your standard mode of operation made a huge impact on me.  In a world that seems to be full of darkness, you men have been light in my life.  Thank you.

Sure, I have a list of men who have hurt me but they have not made me. Jesus used the friends above to establish who I am today.

If you haven't found any men like that in your life, I pray that you do.

They are out there.

Oh, and when you find one....thank them for being one of the good ones.

The Story of Me

Emily turns three in a month.

I have been really intentional about talking to her about adoption. We show her pictures of her birthmom and talk about how we prayed for her.   Children's books are super helpful with explaining adoption to your kids. There is one book in particular that Emily really loves. It's called "The Tummy Mommy"  by Michele Madrid-Branch

In the book, there is a wise old owl that helps the pregnant young woman and the family with empty arms.  I will read it with Emily and sometimes she sleeps with it.

This morning, I was telling her that I loved her so much and I am glad that God gave her to me. 

This was the conversation that followed:

E: "Yeah, the owl just bring me because your belly not worked." 

M: "Well, God brought you. The owl in the story represents God."

E: "Yes. Can you tell me the story of me?"

I don't know if I have a word for surge of emotions I felt when she asked that question. 

 How do I even begin to explain the 3-year journey to her? How do I tell a toddler about all the miraculous ways that God ordained her being in our life, in the five minutes I have before walking out the door? I replied with a shortened version but that question was burned in my brain. 

The story of Emily knocks me to my knees and is my constant reminder that God is present and working on our behalf even when we don't see it. 

As I was driving to work, I thought about the story of her and what I would like to say. So one day, when she has moved past learning her alphabet and counting to 10, she will hear the story. 

My darling Emily, 

The story of you is a story of the goodness of our loving Father.  Our Father is El Roi, which means "God who sees me".  Emily, God saw two women in very different places with two very different prayers and God used you to answer both of these women.  God saw me, your mommy, as I wept and prayed for a child. God saw me and showed me grace when I was angry with Him, that I didn't have you yet. God saw me when I doubted His goodness, and He still answered me.  God saw your birthmom when you were in her belly and was filled with compassion for her. God saw that she was in a place over her head and needed Jehovah-Jirah or the God who provides. You see Emily, your birthmom wanted you to have a life full of love. She wanted you to grow in a home where you would thrive. She wanted to give you everything so she had to give away her everything.  Emily, God also saw you. Remember, He was the One making you. He made your tiny heartbeat as you became my heartbeat. He crafted your gifts and passions. My daughter, the story of you is as story of fulfilled promises of scripture. Promises that you are wonderfully made, that God has a plan for your life, my life and your birthmom's life. Promises that God is a Father from which every good and perfect gift comes. Emily, your life is a good and perfect gift.  You are my answered prayer and my fulfilled promise.  The story of you, my darling, is my favorite. 

<3

Okay, but give me the details...

In case you aren't a part of WellSpring or you missed the announcement, this video was sent to volunteers and shown at church today.

My chapter at WellSpring is coming to a close.  As I stated in the message, there really isn't some sneaky drama or secret to cover up. But there is a back-story, a genesis to my exodus if you will. Sorry, churchy humor. I couldn't help myself. 

So if you want the details of how this all happened, make a cup of tea and settle in.

In 8.5 years at WellSpring, I have never looked for a job. I had received the occasional recruitment but always politely turned the opportunities down. We didn't have any plans to leave.

Until about 6 months ago.  God began stirring in my heart this feeling that something was coming, and unsettledness was approaching.  In August, an opportunity for a church in South Florida came around and I felt like God wasn't telling me to shut it down like I had in the past.  It is the church my Mom attends and I have a few friends that work there. I called a mentor of mine, a Paul to my Timothy, and asked him to pray through this with me and to be a reference. At the end of the conversation, he said, "just think about why all the sudden in 8.5 years, are you open to this idea now?" He went on to say that this may be the church God wants us or it might not be. Maybe the point of this church was to start the process.  I interviewed with that church and turned down an invitation to come. Twice.  I didn't have a peace about it and neither did Sully.  They changed the position to fit my skills exactly.  They wanted to hire Sully for a full-time Tech Director job. It would have made complete sense on paper but I just didn't have the burden to go there from the Holy Spirit.

I thought back to what my mentor said and really felt like the desire of my heart since having Ezra was to be closer to my family. I had even prayed for a way to make that happen.  So I looked. I went to a church staffing page and I looked.  That was a hard move. I felt like I was cheating.

Then I saw that a church in Savannah, GA, Compassion Christian, was hiring an Elementary Minister and that it was a Christian Church(the church tradition I was raised in). The Christian Church is somewhat of a small world. There are a few conferences and colleges that everyone in the movement goes to so there is a lot of crossover. I figured I would probably know someone.  Sure enough, I saw that one of my friends from college worked there and so did her husband. I hadn't talked to her in 10 years but I figured I would ask her before I go through all the effort of applying and interviewing.  So I sent her a Facebook message and asked her if she would be open to answering a few questions.

When we connected over the phone, she opened with this, "Before we tell you all about it, I want you to know that a few weeks ago, I was just saying to my husband that maybe Melissa Drummond would be interested."

Did you catch that? I've not talked to her in 10 years, she mentions my name to her husband and just a few weeks later I message her to ask her about the position.  Can't.make.this.up. Come to find out later that her husband actually wanted to call and she told him they weren't going to poach people. :)

That got my attention.   Even still, I wasn't convinced I was supposed to pursue it, or maybe I was just being stubborn. I needed more. So I wanted to speak with the Children's Minister, Rob.  I don't know what I was expecting really but I remember being caught off guard after my conversation with him.  I was caught off guard by how much I wanted to explore the idea of working with him and what being a part of the team would look like there.  It's different in a lot of ways and would be a huge change but I felt like I needed to keep moving forward.  At the same time, the Senior Pastor for this church was doing a retreat at my friend Amanda's church. Wouldn't you know it, a conversation about me and Children's Ministry came up organically two days before what would be my interview with them.

Compassion requested a Skype interview on a Monday and I took a vacation day from work to do the interview and to spend the afternoon in prayer. It was important to me, that I didn't use WellSpring time to do that.  The next day, they called me and wanted me to come out for a visit...THAT weekend.

Whoa. So it was like a line in the sand moment. If I went, I would have to tell Andy because I love and respect him. If I went, I would have to come to terms with the concept that moving was now a possibility. Sully and I prayed and felt like we should go. It was his 30th birthday weekend, so we thought going on an adventure would be fun.






I talked to Andy and I cried.  Andy Hudelsons don't grow on trees and I'll never find another one like him.  Being the precious pastor that he is, he assured me that if God was telling us to go, we needed to do it but to not make any quick decisions and to give them the opportunity to explore what it would take for us to stay.

Driving over there, I actually thought, I am probably not going to take this and leave everything I have known and all the people I love.  I was telling God in my head that I would look but was probably just browsing, especially since Andy had encouraged us to process what it would take to get us to stay.

Now back to Rob. We get to the church, do a tour and the first thing on the agenda was lunch with Rob.  We make small talk over french fries and then I ask him how he ended up at Compassion. He tells his story about how they were living in California close to friends and in walking distance to awesome places and they were at a lovely church, sound familiar, minus the Cali part? Then he shared about how God told him and his wife Julie to leave and they weren't even sure where they were supposed to go.  Then he says this, "My church asked me to think about what it would take for me to stay and I felt like I was supposed to say, thank you, I love you, but no." When he said that, I felt like someone punched me in the gut. It was this feeling of, that is going to be me. I ignored it and moved on. We get in the car and Sully expresses that he had the SAME feeling when Rob said that.

We had a dinner that night and the next day we were slated to see the sights of Savannah with Rob and his wife Julie.  The second I met her, I liked her.  She hopped in the driver's seat of the van and said that she was better with directions and I thought to myself, kindred spirits.

We had a wonderful time and I thought, if anything, that gal is a selling point herself.

During our time together, she asked me if I had any hesitations about coming there and what they were. I am not even sure what I said and probably fumbled the answer but in my head, I was thinking of a million things at once, my friends, starting over, childcare, leaving comfort etc. Not knowing what I was thinking, she replied, "just don't let fear be a determining factor".  I wanted to jokingly shout, "You don't know me" and cross my arms because when she said that I knew that was the exact hesitation.

Saturday night, Sully and I had some free time so we decided to drive up to Hilton Head since we had never been before. We drove to the beach and I wanted to walk out to the shore even though we didn't have swim stuff. I was walking looking at my feet in the sand and thought to myself, it would be really cool if I saw some dolphins. I have a thing with dolphins. I really don't like any other animal but dolphins are my jam.  Wouldn't you know it, right after I thought that, I got to the water looked up and there was a pod of dolphins!  Come on. Cray.

Then it was Sunday and I was asked to teach a large group session and a small group and I found myself...nervous. I teach all the time and it was my spiritual gift, why was I nervous?  I realized it was because I wanted them to like me. I wanted them to want to hire me.   I did the large group and felt a fire that I don't feel all the time. It's the feeling I get when I lead camps or talk to parents about leading their kids spiritually. It's this feeling of doing the EXACT thing you are supposed to be doing at the EXACT time you should be doing it. I then went on to teach a small group. We did the lesson and only had a few minutes for prayer. I took two requests. One girl raised her hand and said, "Pray for my family because we are moving. I know it is going to be hard but we are supposed to move".

Okay Jesus, I get it. 

I loved hanging out in their children's ministry. It was so life-giving to me.

The final thing on the agenda was my interview with Cam, the Senior Minister and Harvey, the executive minister.  As I was sharing my testimony that included talking about my parent's divorce and our failed adoption, Cam would stop me and validate how hard that must have been and he was sorry that I had to walk through those things. Precious man. I felt like I was talking to Andy, the forever pastor.  The interview went well and then it was time to decompress.

We headed over to Rachel and Jason's house, they were the friends from college that we spoke to.  It was such a blessing to process through all of this with them because just a little over a year ago, they walked through the same thing.

The next morning we headed home and I just knew. No offer had been made but I knew this whole thing was probably going to happen. I had a few more questions for Rob to clarify the role and thought, well maybe this will help me decide and of course, everything he replied with is what I had previously told Sully I hoped was the case.

I called Andy and I cried. I just didn't want him to be hurt. He assured me that it would be okay and that it's going to be good either way.

I was not waiting patiently for the offer and it finally came. I think I probably consumed all of Amanda's data with my antsy texts.

I sought wise counsel and talked to my "Paul".  He walked me through a process to really test the Spirit and make sure it was in fact God calling us.

We prayed and then even moments before I accepted, I asked Sully one more time if he was sure this was right.  He had so much discernment with turning down the other place and I was hoping he would have the same for this position. He felt strongly that we should go and that it would a good move for our family.

And just like that, the decision was made.

The following Monday, we told Andy and the staff and now we're here.

Those are the details and that is the back story. Sure, there is more but those are the high points.


I wrote this in hopes that you would see it's no accident. We didn't move forward blindly. Every step was met by me getting on my knees.

I am leaving home. I am leaving my friends. I am leaving my comfort.

But I think it is exactly what I am supposed to do.  Sure, I am scared and out of control but I am excited and watching with expectation for how God will use me.  The Bible is full of people who built an ark, put a baby in a river, marched around walls and defeated a giant. When we give God control, we can do amazing things!

There is an amazing song by Bethel that has been my anthem through this process and I want to close with it because I feel like the lyrics are a perfect picture of the newest journey that God has called us to adopt.