Exposed

I heard a lot and read a lot about adoption when we first started this journey.  Those who have gone before me talked about all the emotions we would feel. They talked about the ups and downs, the joys and the risks.  However, they left something out. No one told us that we would feel completely exposed.

You may be thinking, "you have a blog and share everything, doesn't that feeling come from you?".

I am not talking about our journey as a whole being exposed. I am talking about all the private parts of your heart and opinions being put through a microscope and not just by the agency or agencies in our case.   Between the agencies and people in your life, you start to feel like nothing is off limits to those outside your home.

Disclaimer: This may come out snarky and there is no doubt that these things were not said from a negative place. I am just writing what may be helpful to the next girl on the journey.
In a time where it seems privacy is jumping off a cliff, some things should still be reserved for a couple.

Our Exposure

-When we tell people we are adopting, OFTEN their follow-up statement is, "Oh, you can't have kids?".

1) What if I don't want to share that part of my life with you?
2) What if you have kids and I asked you, "Oh, what position did you use to conceive?"


-Have you tried...?
1) If we have not solicited your advice on building our family, it can be discouraging to hear things like this. One person told me three times that I just need to try acupuncture even after I told her that wasn't the path we were pursuing.

-When we met Her and people heard she had other kids, the questions was, "How could she separate her children?'

1) What am I supposed to say to that?
2) No birth mom ever takes the decision lightly. Ever.

There are too many to list but a good rule of thumb is, only say or ask what you would want said to or asked of you.

We have had to fill out stacks and stacks of paper on our view of our spouse and of our family members. We have written essays upon essays on how we feel about different races and what we will do to celebrate the culture of a child who may be of a different race than us. We have had to literally check "yes" or "no" to what circumstances we are open to.  We have had to unpack and hurtful parts of our childhood, bring out bad choices made as teens and leave no leaf unturned.

Should agencies do this? Yes.  Is it exhausting? Yes.  You have to expose the intimate details of your life with people in a way that some will never have to.

And people will try to take advantage of your exposure. "Adoption Consultants" will contact you about possible situations and then when you ask about fees, they bring in the hammer. Most of these folks promise short wait times for the small fee of $30,000-$45,000. Most agencies are around $20,000.

So today I am feeling exposed and tired. More paperwork and more fundraising.

But maybe one day, when tiny fingers wrap around mine, it will all be okay.

Keep On Keepin' On- Amazon Raffle AND Young Living Goodies

I was speaking to a friend today who has weathered the ups and downs of the adoption process.
I shared with her that I feel like I am in a revolving door with the process and sometimes I want to give up.

I am exhausted by it all sometimes. Payments and paperwork seem to be never ending.  The lingering wonder about God fulfilling a promise can be taxing.

It just makes me think of Noah. We read that God told him to build an ark and just a few minutes down the page, we see that God did what He said He was going to do.  God told Noah to do it and I imagine that with every piece of wood he lifted, he wondered. I imagine Noah wondered if it would really happen.  During those 120 long years of building the arc, I am sure he felt exhausted and wanted to give up.

He didn't and we won't either.

So we are moving on. Not completely unscathed, but we are moving on. I miss talking to Her. Seriously, we emotionally invested in Her.  Even last night, I had a dream that someone took my heart  out of my body and I didn't have it anymore and felt empty.  But God is faithful.

We are moving on with the additional agency, Lifeline.  We are going to continue to fundraise to help cove our placement fees.  We are going to do an Amazon Raffle!

Just the logo makes me happy! Fun Fact: The smile underneath is to show that they have everything from A to Z!

For $10 and entry you can win a $150 Amazon gift card just in time for Christmas! You can click the donate button on our blog to donate via Paypal.

To add to the fun, if you enter and share the raffle post on Facebook and tag me in it, you will be entered into a drawing to win a bottle of Young Living Thieves Oil.  That stuff is magic for taking care of nasty germies., which is great this time of year!

The raffle will last until next Wednesday at 6pm central time. Multiple entries are totally allowed :)

Thank you for partnering with us.

If I can be honest.

When I share, I heal.
If I can be honest, I would like to share my heart with you.
So if you're interested, for just a few moments, I want to be honest with you.

If I can be honest, take advantage of every opportunity to grow your faith in Jesus. Get off Facebook for a second and read your Bible. If you have kids, take every opportunity to invest in their spiritual formation.  In times of grief, their sports stats don't matter. In times of grief, that pinterest-perfect lunch doesn't matter.  In times of grief, God's words matter.  Make learning the Bible with your kids a priority.  Talk about faith as a family, make church a priority and serve in the ministries where your kids are.   I will honestly say that the Holy Spirit has been whispering God's sweet words to me so clearly the last few days. These words I learned as a child to get a sticker on a chart in Sunday school, have been an anchor for me.  The Sundays when my parents would have liked to stay in bed, gave me a foundation of turning to my church in times of sadness. Those times when my parents would speak scripture to me as a teen and it was met with an eye roll, did not come back void.  They are treasures.

           Psalm 119:105 "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."

           Matthew 19:26 "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

           Ephesians 3:20 "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine."

           Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid;
Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. 

The hymn, "The Solid Rock" sums it up. 

1. My hope is built on nothing less
   Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
   I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
   But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
   • Chorus:
     On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
     All other ground is sinking sand,
     All other ground is sinking sand.
2. When darkness veils His lovely face,
   I rest on His unchanging grace;
   In every high and stormy gale,
   My anchor holds within the veil.
3. His oath, His covenant, His blood
   Support me in the whelming flood;
   When all around my soul gives way,
   He then is all my hope and stay.
4. When He shall come with trumpet sound,
   Oh, may I then in Him be found;
   Dressed in His righteousness alone,
   Faultless to stand before the throne

If I can be honest,  I am selfishly thankful that in the valleys of our life, God has provided us with  friends who have already walked it. When I struggled with anxiety and sadness, God gave us Shaun and Becky.  In this low, God has given us Ashley and Trevor. *Meeting them several months ago was such a divine collision and I will remember it for the rest of my life.  God promises to always be with us but I am glad that He sends His children to be a physical reminder that we are not alone in our struggle.   There is an immeasurable peace to walking a path with a friend leading the way. 

If I can be honest, I am cut pretty deep and a part of me wants to give up. My heart hurts.  So many things make me want to cry and I still feel disoriented.
I refuse to stay this way. 

We are pressing on and beginning again.  We will rise and we will shine.  We are going to pick back up on the approval process for a second agency.  We will continue to fundraise since the second agency has a higher placement fee. When God brings us another birth mom, we will give her the same love and excitement we gave before. We will pray for her the same way we prayed before.  This is not the end. 

Thank you for letting me share. 

Car Accident

Have you ever been in a car accident?

I feel like I have been in a car accident today. 

We got a call from agency and as our social worker started talking, 

I felt like things were spinning out of control.

Social worker: “She would like to parent.” 

Crash. 

Me: “So we should consider this a done deal?”

Social worker: “Yes” 

Shattered. 

I asked a few more questions and then it was over. 

4 months of texting with Her, 4 months of encouraging Her, 4 months of praying for Her. 4 months of thinking about what it would be like to hold a sweet baby in my arms and not have to give it back to someone else. Almost 4 months of dreams.

Shattered.

I went home and ran to the room that would have been Halle’s and I sobbed. Laying on the floor, running my hands through the rug I bought for her to play on, I screamed and I cried.  It was a sob that is reserved for some of the worst times in life.  

Sully came home, got on the floor and cried with me. 

Can I just be real for a second?

I am feeling so many emotions.  I feel like I tried to stay guarded but that still didn’t protect me. I feel dumb for having crippling grief over something that wasn’t mine. I feel angry that just days ago She was talking to me about the birthdate and the hospital. I do not fault her for deciding to parent but I feel like she made us too many promises. Asking us to name the baby, calling us the parents and giving us all her daughter’s clothes.  I am upset that she couldn’t tell us herself. I get it but it doesn’t change how I feel.  I feel like God is holding out on me. I feel like God could have been protecting me.  I feel exhausted from the process. I feel that God has given me this desire to mother a child and I can’t do anything about it. I feel like a part of me is not functioning. I ask the Lord to close the door before it got to the end if it wasn’t going to happen, so I feel like I should be thankful but it’s hard. 

My heart is breaking in new ways today.  When I was crying on the floor, I looked around the room and saw the Rise and Shine picture that I bought for her room..  I felt like that was what God was telling me to do.  To rise and shine. To even now, shine. 

Even God makes the stars shine in darkness. 

Habakkuk 3:17-19

“The fig trees might not bud, the vines might not produce any grapes and the olive crop might fail. The fields might not produce any food. There may be no sheep in the pens or cattle in the barns. But I will still be glad because of what the Lord has done. God my Savior fills me with joy.  The Lord and King gives me strength. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer. He helps me to walk the steepest mountains.

Climbing up the mountain is hard, especially on days like today. But once we get to the top we will be able to see that, in the words of Ann Voscamp, “these trials will be but a trail.” 

If you are wondering what to do or how to help, here are a few things. 

Pray for her. Pray for us. 

Please don’t ask us tons of questions. This may sound harsh but I am not sure I have the emotional energy to answer them in public.  We are really still very exhausted emotionally by it all. 

Don’t pity us. We have wanted to share along the way but it also makes us feel very exposed. Turn your pity into petitions to the Lord to give us the desire of our heart.  When you see us on Sunday, we’ll take the hugs but I don’t want to distract from anything God wants to do in our Children’s Ministry on Sunday. Those kids are my heart and when I am there, teaching them Jesus is priority number one. It is not about me. 

Thank you for walking with us.

Romans 8:18 “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed in us.”

Stealing Their Joy

We did not have the ultrasound yesterday but we did have an appointment!

 The pregnancy counselor from Bethany was there, which is really good.  That gave us peace to know that She is moving forward with the process.   We heard the heartbeat.
That was the first time we heard  Halle's little heart beat. We saw it on the first ultrasound but this time we heard it.  Amazing.

She introduced us to the doctor as "Mom and Dad" of the baby. To which he replied, "Welcome to the team".   Genius. This is a team and we all have the common goal to provide for this baby.

She started telling us about how some of her family is not thrilled with her adoption plan. She told them that it is her decision and they don't get a say.  Her family started talking about the hospital and who would be there. Someone mentioned that they would like to be there with her and She replied, "Even if I don't keep the baby?" and they said, "well, no".

Then She replied, "Well then I don't want you there stealing their joy".

Later that day She and I talked about the hospital. She wants us there! She called to ask if we want them to feed the baby formula first or breast milk.  Through the generosity of other women, I am going to be able to give our baby breast milk!  She said that I would get a bracelet and that would allow me to actually take the baby. Is this real life? Even typing the words, "take the baby" make my stomach feel weird. It's like I drank a cocktail of happiness, guilt and confusion.

 I still can't picture myself with the hospital bracelet but I am trusting God for it.

Yesterday I didn't really know what I wanted to write in this update. As I opened my computer this morning, I still didn't know what I was going to write. I was thinking through the appointment and it hit me.

I have been so scared and fearful. Its a type of fear that I can't really explain. Just a general feeling of risk and exposure to personal pain but She said joy.  I need to let joy in.  It is crazy that She understands we should be joyful even in a hard time for her.  I am allowed to have joy.  It was almost like her words gave my heart permission.  She wants us to be happy about this. 

I cannot find a word for the emotion I feel but there is a picture.

Sacrifice.
God gave us Jesus so we could live in a place where the enemy can't steal our joy.
When we think about what they did to our Lord and it brings us to tears, remember He wants us to be happy about this. 

Be praying for Her and Halle. 

And if you don't know Jesus- I would love to tell you about Him. 

Struggling

I have been struggling to pray.  I have been struggling to trust.

If I fervently pray for a desire of my heart and it doesn't happen, I have to deal with that.
 If I (foolishly) avoid telling God what is on my heart, I believe that I am somehow less invested.

I want to want Jesus more than anything this world has to offer, even the good things like parenting.
I struggle with feeling like my priorities are messed up if I pour out my desire to be a mom.
If I am more desperate for God to give us a child than I am for God to make me more like Christ, I feel guilt.

It is even hard for me to address her by name because I feel that weaves the idea of her into my heart even more.

I am happy, I am excited but I am also afraid.

But the Lord speaks to us through his Holy Spirit.

This is what I read this morning from Oswald Chambers, emphases added.

Luke 18:41- "What do you want me to do for you?" "Lord, I want to see," he replied.

----Is there something in your life that not only disturbs you, but makes you a disturbance to others? If so, it is always something you cannot handle yourself. “Then those who went before warned him that he should be quiet; but he cried out all the more . . .” (Luke 18:39). Be persistent with your disturbance until you get face to face with the Lord Himself. Don’t deify common sense. To sit calmly by, instead of creating a disturbance, serves only to deify our common sense. When Jesus asks what we want Him to do for us about the incredible problem that is confronting us, remember that He doesn’t work in commonsense ways, but only in supernatural ways.
Look at how we limit the Lord by only remembering what we have allowed Him to do for us in the past. We say, “I always failed there, and I always will.” Consequently, we don’t ask for what we want. Instead, we think, “It is ridiculous to ask God to do this.” If it is an impossibility, it is the very thing for which we have to ask. If it is not an impossible thing, it is not a real disturbance. And God will do what is absolutely impossible.
This man received his sight. But the most impossible thing for you is to be so closely identified with the Lord that there is literally nothing of your old life remaining. God will do it if you will ask Him. But you have to come to the point of believing Him to be almighty. We find faith by not only believing what Jesus says, but, even more, by trusting Jesus Himself. If we only look at what He says, we will never believe. Once we see Jesus, the impossible things He does in our lives become as natural as breathing. The agony we suffer is only the result of the deliberate shallowness of our own heart. We won’t believe; we won’t let go by severing the line that secures the boat to the shore— we prefer to worry.

So that is where I am.  I keep giving myself barriers to cross before I give myself over to joy.  It's like, "once _____ happens, I'll do this and once ______happens, I will feel better."  

It is just hard to trust God for something that isn't guaranteed.  

We have an ultrasound on the 22nd and I can't wait to see Halle again. 

Different but good.

So we didn't get to go to an ultrasound today.

We got to the appointment and She wasn't there.  The receptionists asked us if we had an appointment. We told her no and explained the situation. She said no one had an appointment that morning because the doctor was doing a surgery.

Okay….

So I tried to call her and her phone was off.  My stomach dropped.  Of course, my mind goes to the worst place. She has changed her mind, I thought. Sully and I exchanged an "Oh no" look.

I tried again and she answered. In my heart I screamed, PRAISE JESUS. 

She proceeded to tell us that it got changed and she got tied up and forgot to call. She has had some family things going this week, so this is completely understandable.

Sully and I were bummed but then She asked if we would like to come to her house and get a bunch of baby girl clothes that she would like to give us. Her 8 month old daughter had worn these and she was passing them on to us.  We agreed and made our way to her house.

I want to pause the story for a minute- this journey up to this point has been so different than what we expected and so different than what we have been trained on. I never would have thought I would be texting with Her and receiving baby clothes and sweet messages.

We had a nice time visiting with her and playing with her other kids.  There were two big questions I needed to ask her. I have been scared to ask and even talked to adoptive families about how I should bring them up.

Guess what? I didn't have to. She brought them up by no prompting of my own!

On our way I told Sully that I would only bring them up if The Holy Spirit prompted me.  Turns out, He prompted her instead. What a relief!

I really wanted to see the baby today. I really want to know everything is developing okay. I really want to meet the doctor.  None of that happened today but it's really good.

Today was different but good.  We got to bond with Her in her home and I am not sure we would have had that if the regular appointment happened.

Thank you Jesus!