Distracted yet again, while three women I love shared their experience.
They were asked to share their experience with staying home or working and that is when the record scratched in my soul.
There I was invaded yet again, by feelings of doubt, shame and assumed judgment.
When people ask me about finding their call or what they should do, I always say, "Do what makes you come alive. Do the thing that when you're in it, you feel closer to Jesus".
This is how I feel in serving in ministry. I am more alive and most of the time, I feel pretty good about that. I will feel joy and gratitude that I get to be on the front lines and watch children meet Jesus. I have a hand in telling them the amazing works of our Creator for the first time. How lucky am I that I get to speak into creating places where kids experience God in a way they will never forget? I also feel really good about eating lunch with adults and other perks of working. I feel blessed to be invited to lead.
That is until the place where someone else has been invited into is highlighted and I feel like mine is overlooked.
I know that I am serving and doing E X A C T L Y what the Lord made me to do. I try not to take that for granted.
That is until someone else talks about what the Lord made them to do and then I question everything.
Last night, when the women shared their experiences about taking a break from work, I was floored with uncertainty.
I asked the Lord, "Did I hear you wrong, is that what I am supposed to be doing right now? Should I be staying home?"
He replied, "Talk to me about supposed to".
This was about what supposed to implies. It implies that something is expected. *Insert the plight of meeting others expectations and being an Enneagram 3w2 here.
It was almost like the words He spoke to Eve in the garden, "Who told you...". I felt the Lord saying, "Who told you that was the expectation for you in this season? It wasn't me. You need to remember what I have spoken over you in this season. "
You see, when I am hit with feelings supposed to, I forget that I have spoken to by the Spirit.
While the panel was going, I asked the Lord to help me resolve this in my head and deal with where this comes from and the word He illuminated for me was insecurity.
By definition, insecurity means uncertainty or anxiety about oneself. I would add uncertainty about where God has you and why.
We can be real sure until we forget, right?
While being vulnerable with a new friend last night, I shared that I think the beauty of the uncertainty comes when we place ourselves in a posture of asking the Lord what He wants through us and for us in every season or arena.
Whether we are in the laundry room or the board room, the position of our heart should be the same.
It's remembering the old hymn, "Take my life and let it be, consecrated Lord to thee".
I want that to be my posture. However, I probably need to add a line in that stanza.
"Take my life and let it be, consecrated Lord to thee. Take my life and let it be and Lord help me manage the expectations I think people have of me."
Maybe you chose the season you're in and maybe you didn't.
Maybe, it's not about the season at all but it's about surrendering all.
Yes, of that, I am certain.
