What to do when you are struggling with being thankful...

{this is a longer post, skip to the bottom if you need my quick suggestion on how to be thankful)

When I woke up this morning, I started thinking of everything I have to be thankful for and I was moved to tears. I have a wonderful husband, a warm house, food in my fridge and friends to share it with me.   I started thinking about how different  my life could have been if God had not rescued me from myself.   The time I spend thinking about what I don't have on a daily basis causes me to miss out on what I do have.

I was going through the normal Thanksgiving thought that I should be thankful more often.

yay me. what and attitude of gratitude.

Then I got a call from a friend to tell me some exciting news….she's pregnant.  If you have ever wondered if a person can feel two emotions at one time the answer is, yes.  I am very happy for her in my spirit but my gut was feeling something quite different. 

I am genuinely happy for her….and my sister….and my sister-in-law… all pregnant.

I wish the words looked more heartfelt on a computer screen but they know my love.

So lets recap- within minutes of me thanking God for what I had and being proud of myself for it, a big flashing reminder came about the one thing I don't have but want, like really want. 

My friend that called is someone I love dearly. She knows me. She knows where I am at on this journey. She had so much physical compassion for my situation that she cried when she found out she was pregnant because she just wants me to have children too.

I shared with her about how grateful I am for what I do have and how there may be people who look at my situation and want a great job  and great husband, like really want. 

She said she doesn't know how I can have that attitude.

It is not my attitude at all. It is the Holy Spirit working in my life.

Rejoice in the Lord, always. I will say it again, rejoice! -Philippians 4:4 

We hung up. I started cooking, then cried.   I cried not just because I don't have a baby. I didn't even cry because I feel like everyone around me is pregnant.  It was some of those things.

Mostly I was crying because I just don't know what God wants from me on this journey.

So I leaned over on the stove and through the tears, I asked God to show me what He wants. I asked God to change whatever is broken in me.  I asked God to use me and I asked Him to help.

Then I just breathed for awhile. In and out, just resting.

I put on some worship music, began to stir the pumpkin cake and the words, "wait on the Lord, be grateful at all times" came to me.

I said it over and over.  Wait on the Lord.  Be thankful.  God keeps His promises. 

This journey is not about what God wants from me.  This journey is about what God wants for me.

When I was in college there was one year where my sister and my best friend both got married within days of each other and I didn't even have a boyfriend.  My parents were both remarried and I felt like I didn't have a partner or a place. I was very lonely.  (I think my roomie at the time got me through that one. Thanks Court!)

At that moment I felt like God was holding out on me (much like I pray through now) but I now see God was holding out for me.  A few years later- I met Sully.  He is absolutely perfect for me and he was worth the seemingly long wait during my single years.

So if you are still with me in this post, I have a recipe for you.  So if you are having a hard time being grateful this year, think through this while you mash potatoes.

Step 1) Close you eyes
Step 2) Call on Jesus
Step 3) Cry (as needed)
Step 4) Breathe
Step 5) Remember what He has already done and remember His words.

I promise you'll feel better…

because I do.


p.s- Some lyrics from a Ginny Owens song come to mind and I wanted to share them with you.

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reasons why you brought me here.
But just because you love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if you want me to.

Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet.

Below is a link for the video if you want to listen to the whole song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtNzOpKvPfw


Be thankful!

FA LA LA LA LA……Just Love round 2

It's that time of year when we all like to stock up on the things that make us feel warm and cozy or give gifts that do.

You may remember our Just Love coffee fundraiser from last year and if you participated, Thank you!

I am excited to begin round 2 this Christmas season because they now have "single serve" pods for  Ke**** makers. You can't call it a K-cup because of copyright but that's okay because it tastes much better than most K-CUPS.

They also have several types of ground coffees and goodies for your coffee and if you click our adopt a journey link you can Christmas shop from home and help us out!

With a few fundraisers we have done in the last month or so we are a bit closer to our goal. We only need $4000 more and we started out with needed $17,000

God is good!

……and so is this coffee, so go buy some!

Changes

I changed the blog.

Through this process God has been changing us.

Through this process God has been changing me.


When we first started this process, I thought more about how God would use us for a child.
Then I thought God really called us so we can provide an option for a birthmother.
From there, my heart changed and I believed this process was really just about how God wanted to grow me.

Last night it hit me.  It's not one of those things more than the other. It isn't really even a process, it's a whole journey.  Yes, it is about the child. Yes, it is about the birthmother and yes, it is about us.  I felt this overwhelming sense that really what we are adopting is a journey.

I have changed the name of the blog to reflect just that.

We are on a journey, a journey where God is going to use us and grow us.
I feel strongly now that even when our placement is complete, our journey will continue.



I hope to write more consistently along the way and I hope you'll join me.

One Year

It's been almost a whole year since we started this journey.
We announced that we were adopting Thanksgiving of 2013 but for several weeks before that we were investigating, planning and praying.

One year on this journey.

One year of praying. Praying for our baby. Praying for birth moms. Praying for financial provision.

One year of dreaming.   Dreaming about the call. Dreaming about the first embrace. Dreaming about teaching our child who Jesus is. Dreaming about when they will take their first steps or skin their knee.

One year of processing feelings. Processing how I feel about this wait, how I feel about not being picked or how I feel when things don't go my way.

One year of learning.  Learning God is in control. Learning(even more) that my Husband is incredible and the perfect one for me. One year of learning I am not in control.

One year of seeing. Seeing how well we are loved by our family and friends. Seeing how much God wants to use our circumstances to make us more like Him.

A lot can happen in a year.  Even though we do not yet have our baby, a lot has happened.  God has worked His way into parts of my heart that I didn't know existed. He has held me in times I didn't think I would encounter.

Whether our baby comes tomorrow or in 2 years, I know it won't be in vain.

In the meantime, we are going to continue doing what we can. Praying, applying with organizations and fundraising.  Out of our $10,000 placement fee, we need a remaining $4,000. God has blessed our fundraising efforts so we decided to roll out a few more in the coming months to get our last chunk.

Who knows, maybe God is waiting for us to have the money? [if He even works like that ;)]

A sweet friend of mine is a Just Jewelry Consultant. We are going to do an online party and part of the proceeds will go to our adoption fund!  I think the product is so cute and now it can help us!

Here is the link to the website if you would like to support this fundraiser. ---->>>> Jewelry!

Simply look through the catalogs and let me know the item number and info on what you would like and I will add it to our local party order. You can email me at melissamae86@gmail.com. It's not too early to Christmas shop!

As always, please be praying for us! We love you guys!

Almost...

Almost…

Yesterday at about 3pm- Sully and I got a call from Bethany, our adoption agency.  There was a baby who had been in the NICU for 6 weeks and no one from the family had been to see him so they decided to make a birth plan.  Since he was born at 28 weeks, the agency wanted to make sure that families would be okay with delicate nature.  We made some calls, prayed about it and then notified them to show our profile.

We gathered a small group of people to pray over us. Several requests were lifted up to God.  We prayed for the Birth mom, we prayed God would pick us, we prayed that He would provide what we need, we prayed for the health of the baby, we prayed for God’s hand on his life even if it did not include us.

As you can imagine, I was a nervous/anxious wreck. My husband was amazing. Calm and steady. So glad God gave me someone different from me.

They told us the baby would be released from the hospital on Wednesday(today). We were expecting to hear something that night.  Sully and I decided to keep our schedules for the evening to help as a distraction.

I fell asleep fine but woke up at midnight thinking like crazy. Wondering if she would pick us, thinking about Moby Wrap colors, how we would tell people and at the same time telling myself to stop.  At that moment I prayed for God to protect us if this baby would be medically/financially more than we can handle. I prayed for God to let us know promptly so I can have some peace. I prayed for God to help me be okay even if we weren’t chosen.

By 9am today, I was a ball of exhaustion and jitters.

  Commercial break- I work with the most amazing people. The staff at WellSpring is family and if nothing good ever happens to me again, working with this team is blessing enough. 

Sully called Bethany Christian Services at 9:15 and was told they had not yet shown any profiles. This calmed me down a lot.  I was just grateful that at least it hadn’t been decided and everyone knew but me.

I didn’t feel good all day today. I was tired and had a weird phase of vertigo come on. I think God gave me the vertigo as a diversion. 

At about 6:30 tonight- we were notified that the birth mom had chosen another family.

We were almost parents.

God is with us in this process.  We are both remarkably at peace. I am amazed at the patience and trust of my husband.

We don’t know what is next but we do know God is writing a really good story.

Confused... maybe this is normal?

Lately, I feel like I should probably be blogging.

Although, I have no clue what to write.

Most of the time I try to go about my life almost as if an adoption isn't happening.  If I do this, then it is easier to not let myself be captivated by the desire.

When I give in and let myself think about it- the sense of longing is overwhelming.  However, right behind is the desire is some misplaced guilt telling me that if I want it too much, then I am holding that higher than my desire and love for God.

I always want HIM to be my number one. I want to surrender everything to Him.  I know Sully and I are on this process because He wants to make us more like Him. How do I know if we are doing it right? Are we gleaning what we should?

We need to fundraise more but to some extent, its tough at this point. We have no visible signs of movement in a process or nothing exciting to report.

We have been waiting 4 months since approved and 8 months since our first meeting with Bethany.
I know, it's not very long but it feels like ages when there is no visible timeline in sight.

I am confused.  I feel caught in the middle between young married couple w/ no kids and "pregnant" couple waiting for arrival of baby except I have no idea how long I will feel both.

Maybe you feel stuck between where you are and a place you want to be?

I know when it is all said and done it will be a beautiful picture but right now I feel like a painter just staring at the colors with no canvas to paint.

Handmade Quilt & Yard Sale

Hey folks!

I have some exciting things to tell you about.  We are getting closer and closer to our financial goal, I hope we are getting closer and closer to the timing of our little one!


My sweet Aunt Jacquie gave us the very first quilt she ever made to raffle off to raise funds for our adoption! The quilt  is 58 inches by 58 inches. The color is a beautiful burnt Red and Tan.  I have pictured it below. It is has been kept crisp and clean.

Here is what we are going to do... Click the "donate" button and each entry cost $5. Feel free to do as many as you want! This would also be a great Mother's Day gift for someone.  On Sunday Night at 6pm Central time, we will announce the winner.

Also- we are having a yard sale this weekend. Pray for a good turn out!!!!

Thank you for partnering with us!

"What is happening with the adoption?"...nothing...well sorta

   Yesterday in staff meeting, I asked the staff to be be praying for me and Sully in this waiting period until we get the call.  I am not patient and typically this would annoy me, but I am not annoyed. I just feel awkward. I say awkward because I feel like I should prepare but not too much,  we should go on with our life but not make too many plans. I have no idea the timeframe but I know God's hand will be on it but it is just complete loss of control. We can do nothing but follow His lead.

A lot of people have been asking me, "So where are you at with the adoption?" and "What's going on with it?".   My natural inclination has been to say, "Well, nothing, we're just waiting".   Nothing? I realized this morning, I could not be more wrong.

 God spoke to me through a devotional thought from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. You can read the whole devo for today here.

Here is what got to me:

He went out, not knowing where he was going —Hebrews 11:8 (speaking of Abraham)

"Living a life of faith means never knowing where you are being led. But it does mean loving and knowing the One who is leading. It is literally a life of faith, not of understanding and reason—a life of knowing Him who calls us to go."

God reminded me that when He asked people in the Bible to do something for Him, often they didn't have the whole plan or know the time frame. They just had to follow and the rest would be made evident.  I am sure many of them felt the same way as I do. 

So my attitude has changed. "What is happening with the adoption?" A lot.

-God is growing my faith so much. I have actually stopped praying for this to hurry up. I have started praying in excitement to see how God is unfolding a beautiful plan.  We are not doing this to just have a baby, we are doing this because God called us to be a provision for a child that needs a home.  Even the fact that yesterday, I asked for God to help me not feel so awkward and to help me understand and then this morning, God reveals this to me. That is a fast turn-around =)

-God is growing our marriage. We are more committed now then ever to work on making our marriage better. I think God is using this time to strengthen us.

-We are going to start more efforts to help raise the rest of our adoption costs. We have 6,000 more to go. That seems like a lot at first but when you compare it to the 10,000 God has already  provided, it isn't much.  We will have yard sales and auctions or anything else to make it so we are financially ready to go the day we get the call.

So it is one month since my last post and a lot more than, "nothing" has happened.

Faith Questions

At church our pastor, Andy has been leading a series called, "Big".  He has been highlighting that we need to be praying in big ways.

A lot has been going on in my church family and there are many things that require me to pray big prayers.  Here is a list of some of the big prayers I want to  faithfully pray:

-Heal CG from lymphatic cancer   -Heal my friend from malignant breast cancer   -Give some dear friends a healthy baby   - Heal a friends unborn baby  -send us a child to love and care for  - double the amount of children's volunteers  -double the tithes to our church

I have had a hard time praying well for these things and I think I figured out why. When I was stumbling over this some questions came to mind and I felt called to share them.

1) Do I really believe that God can do or wants to do anything?

2) Can I choose to lead my heart in this even if my mind gets stuck?

3) Is my faith strong enough to understand when God's plan doesn't seem to match up with my big prayers?

4) I want to be okay with God not answering my prayers in the way I hope because I automatically assume the plan is not heal so we depend on Him more.  However, why don't I assume the plan is to heal and to provide abundantly? Why do I think the reality will be the opposite of the miracle?

I have been mulling over all these things today and it has been amazing. Even though there are so many questions I am asking myself, I have felt God's spirit so intimately today.  It feels like a soft pressure in my chest that I believe comes from a growing soul.

one for the book

 In some of our adoption training, we read about how we need to keep what they call a "life book". It is basically a collection of special things you kept as you were preparing for a child's arrival. It helps the children feel valued and chosen.  Today, God gave us another story for the Life Book.

Inside this beautiful card was a  generous gift. What touched our hearts most though, was how the gift came about.  This couple that we love and respect dearly told us a touching story of how God spoke to them on our behalf.  They both felt the Lord leading them to give but didn't know how much.  So they prayed about it, and then said what number God had laid on their heart.  You can probably guess, it was the SAME number. Then before they sent the check, they prayed that it would be a sacrifice.  It is so clear that it was from the Holy Spirit!

We keep hearing stories like this and all I can think about is how much God loves us and how much He must love our future child.  I keep picturing God putting the call on us and then saying, "I can't wait for them to see what I have planned." 

... and in case you want an updated number, when we started in November we needed 16,800.... now we only need 6,000.  You all have been so generous and I am so glad that Sully and I are not going this alone. 

We love you!

Psalm 105:1

This verse came up on my Bible app as the verse for the day. How relevant.

105 ^1-6 Hallelujah!

Thank God! Pray to him by name!
    Tell everyone you meet what he has done!
Sing him songs, belt out hymns,
    translate his wonders into music!
Honor his holy name with Hallelujahs,
    you who seek God. Live a happy life!
Keep your eyes open for God, watch for his works;
    be alert for signs of his presence.
Remember the world of wonders he has made,
    his miracles, and the verdicts he’s rendered—

This weekend we we really blessed and I got the feeling that God wanted us to share what He has done. 

For some time, we have been saving(in an account separate from our adoption fund),  for a newer vehicle. This weekend we were able to sell our 98 corolla in sort of beat up shape for a lot more than we thought we would get. We were very honest with the guy on what needed fixed and he still payed more than what we thought according to blue book.  I know this doesn't seem like a big deal but it is a blessing to us. We are now in the market for like 03-05 Camry, avalon or some other mid-size sedan that is safe for a baby =) If you see anything, let us know! 

But even better,

 If you squint or zoom in you can read the card. The words are just perfect!

I don't know if this card was meant for adoption but it seems perfect. We were also blessed with some very generous financial gifts this weekend, which is great because now our Home Study fee and our Birthparent fee are taken care of! God has provided and this verse says we are supposed to "tell everyone". I am so thankful for all the people that have supported us along the way. I know God is going to make Himself evident. 

The second part of this verse says, "Keep your eyes open for God, watch for His works and be alert for signs of his presence."  This is exactly what the sermon at WellSpring was about yesterday. Our God is a BIG God! You can listen to the sermon here. It should be posted by 8:30am central time.  Here is a fun fact: this sermon has my favorite Bible story in it.

We have one more visit and then our home study process is complete. Then we wait.  I think that is when the stretching will come. We will be applying  for grants, doing yard sales and other things to keep us busy but mostly we will be completely waiting on God.  Sully, my parents, Andy(pastor and boss), my close friends or anyone who knows me, can tell you I am not patient while waiting. I can be patient with a screaming two-year old but letting God work in His time does not come easy.  Pray for me?

One more note and then I am done. We thank God for you. It really encourages us to know that people are reading our blog and walking with us. So again, We thank God for you.

a church and a convention

This weekend was a great weekend for us. We were blessed by 2 things I felt the need to blog about. This weekend, God moved through a church and a convention.

 

a church

Sully and I needed to be in East Tennessee for the weekend so this was a rare occasion for us to be at a different church on Sunday morning. Sully's dad is on staff as the Children's Pastor at First Baptist Pigeon Forge. It is also the church that Sully grew up in.  The church is a lot different from WellSpring but we enjoyed the service.  Since Pigeon Forge is a vacation spot for a lot of people on this weekend, they had a special time to pray for pastors or church staff that may be visiting in the area.  We felt a bit awkward as we stood up, but I am glad we did. Some people came up, laid hands on us and prayed for us and our ministry. They prayed that the staff we work with would stay united and that we would submit to whatever God may have coming down the road. 

What really got to me the most was how many people from FBC Pigeon Forge are following the blog. There were so many ladies, whom I hadn't met before, who knew everything about it. They went on to tell me they are praying for us and are so excited. God's church is so cool. It was like there was  family there that I just hadn't met yet. It was so special for them to care about what is going on in our life. It made me so excited for Heaven to think about all of our "family" members we will meet. 

a convention

Sully and I were part of a design team for a new event called RezKidz! The event happened this past weekend. It was better than I could have ever imagined. The idea of the convention was to bring families to a place where they can worship together and learn about bringing faith to the daily routine at home.  There was one point this weekend, during the worship, when Dads had their little girls on their shoulders and they were praising God together. It might have been one of the most beautiful things I have seen in a while.  It was a great time remind us that it pleases God when we, His children, tell our children about him. 

The whole time we were there, I kept envisioning glimpses of Sully with our baby on his shoulders.  I can't wait to praise Jesus with our kid! 

We have a meeting this Wednesday and then one more to complete our study. Please be praying for these meetings. Once we are approved, we will begin the process of applying for grants and fundraising. Thank you for your support!

What we came up with...

Here is what we came up with for a potential birth parent to read.

Hi. We are Sully and Melissa Cook.  Let me start by saying, we have thought about this special part of the process for a while.  We would like to think that we know the perfect words to say in our letter to you. The truth is, we don’t.   We do know, that above all else, we will deeply love any child who comes into our care.  We will pray for them everyday and do our best to create a safe and loving place for the child.  We would also like to encourage you even in the smallest way. We have been praying for you since the day we decided to welcome a child in our home.

So now we would like to give you a little information about how we met, what our life is like and why we are on this journey where your path and ours have now crossed.

Sullivan and I met while I was working as a Children’s Minister at a church in Pigeon Forge, TN .  I first met Sullivan’s dad, Wayne at a ministry luncheon since Wayne is a Children’s Minister as well.  After meeting, Wayne brought his family to church, which included his son, Sully. His father then proceeded to encourage Sully to ask me for a date.  It didn’t take too much!  Sullivan and I connected on our very first date.  We were together for about two years before we were married in Franklin, TN.  Sullivan and I are very different but it works really well. We balance each other out. We have a different set of gifts and I have loved learning how God uses us both in our marriage and in our community.  He is more reserved and I am a goofball. He is steady where I am flighty. We have a great respect for each other’s personalities.

Our life is really a blessing.  We have a great church that we work for and a very close group of friends. So many of our close friends have adopted and we have been able to see first hand how special these kids are.  While we do not have immediate family close by, our church has become this for us.  We are very involved and a lot of our free time is spent with families from our small group.  Even though, we are not geographically close to our family, we are close relationally. Sully and I talk weekly to our parents and they are praying for this journey as well.  

We are not perfect and our life is not perfect but God’s presence in our life has given us perfect peace. We have walked through some hard things and God has been ever-present.

We believe God has also put us on the path of adoption since the early days of our relationship and has kept in the front of our minds.  Unlike most people on this journey, we did not start because of infertility.  God very clearly told us to adopt so we passively began the process. A few months after, I found out I have a condition that makes conceiving very difficult and most women are successful with fertility treatment. Upon receiving this diagnosis, we felt that this was God pushing even more towards adoption. Sully and I have not gone through fertility treatment and do not plan to at this time. We believe that God has called us to build our family through adoption at the moment.

When thinking about the future of our relationship, we would like to have a level of openness with you. We plan on telling our son or daughter often about their birthparents and the special adoption plan that was made for them. It is our hope that our child will recognize that God can choose to build families in so many ways.  We would love to send pictures back and forth on a regular basis.  We think it would be  special  for the child to know if  they maybe  have the same eyes or smile as their birth-mother. 

We hope that you spend some time learning more about us in our profile. We really are a fun couple!

whew. 

"then their eyes were opened and they realized..."

We heard from the adoption agency today!

Our first home study visit is scheduled for Wednesday the 16th at 3pm.

We are so excited!

I must say that I do feel a little bit like Adam and Eve in Genesis 3:7

"Then they eyes of both of them were opened and they realized their house was dirty and some things needed updated. So they planned to finally touch up the paint and clean the baseboards."

Anybody know what they look for in a home study?

Trademarks of God

If today, the second day of January, is any indication of what 2013 is going to be like, we are in for an amazing year.

We have not been on this journey very long but I am so glad God called us to it. It has connected us in ways and with people we never would have imagined.

As far as updates go, we have finished all our paperwork and will submit it this week. We hope to have a date for the first visit on the books very soon.

God has been working on our behalf for this adoption. I can't help but imagine when He called us to this that He was sitting in Heaven thinking with a smile, "I can't wait till they see what I am going to do."

God amazed us today.  This verse was brought to my attention and I don't think I really understood it until now.

          "God can pour on the blessing in astonishing ways so that you're ready for anything and everything, more than "just ready" to do what he needs to be done...."
-2 Corinthians 9:8 MSG

God is making us ready. It is astonishing.

Then we were reminded of the trademarks of God.

    I’m God, and I act in loyal love.
I do what’s right and set things right and fair,
    and delight in those who do the same things.
These are my trademarks.”

-Jeremiah 9:24

I believe God is delighting in our obedience and we are seeing his trademarks.  Even if our journey ended now, I would be content knowing that God has reminded me that He is every-present in our lives right now.

I love that The Creator loves me.