Birth Mother's Day

Today is Birth Mother's Day.  Honestly, I wish I could celebrate with our birth mom.

She has chosen a closed adoption but we wanted an open one.
There is a lot I can say about it but I am not going to explain that today.
Instead, I just wrote a poem  and maybe one day she'll see it.


Our first Mother's Day it was all so new.
And now we're at the second one
but all I think about is you.

In your plan I have to trust.
But it doesn't stop the wondering,
Does your heart miss us?

I understand, I do, why you stay away.
But it's hard when through her life,
I see glimpses of you everyday.

With you I want to share, her intoxicating smile.
Because forever, no matter what,
she'll always be our child.

As she grows, I see you more and more.
Captivating eyes of sheer perfection
that I am sure you would adore.

Wish I had known the hug would be our last.
I would have held you longer
not let the moment pass so fast.

Your life needs distance, your life needs space.
But I can't stop dreaming
of when Emily sees your face.

I don't know the details of our Father's plans.
But while I'm waiting to hug you again,
I'll just hold her tiny hands.


I love you. Happy Birth Mother's Day.

When your cup runneth over and swallows you a bit.

I have everything I want.

Well, almost. Too many miles still span between Tennessee and Florida BUT other than that, I have everything I want.

I have a beautiful baby girl that I prayed years for.  I am 20 weeks pregnant with a miracle baby I never even dreamed would come. I have a great husband and a beautiful house.  I am on staff at the type of church many ministers dream of and its growing like wildfire.

My cup runneth over and yet I feel it's drowning me a bit.

Luke 12:48 says, "Great gifts mean great responsibilities; greater gifts, greater responsibilities!"

It is easy to forget the responsibility that comes with blessing.

Thankful beyond words yet I feel ill-equipped to handle all the expectation.  Parenting one toddler, pregnant with another,  responsible for stewarding a ministry of 250+ kids and 120+ volunteers and being married to a man who is just as gifted if not more for ministry.

These past few days I have really been questioning.  Do I need to make a change? Am I the one you want in all these positions? Me, Lord? Are you sure I can do all this? 

"Apart from me, you can do nothing." John 15:15

"But with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26

As I type these words I have this song on repeat.

Lord, I need you. Every.Hour.I.Need.You.

We had our 20-week scan to see our son today.

This is Ezra. Ezra Stone.  Ezra means "helper" and Stone represents strength.

 The gifts are great. The responsibilities are great. My God is great and He promises to help renew strength.

Mahi Called It.

Today we found out what Cook Baby #2 will be.

It was probably 2011 and we were at dinner with our friends. Their daughter Mahi(maybe 3 or 4 at the time)looked at me and said, "God is going to give you a son".  We laughed at her and she replied, "I am serious!"

Well, Mahi called it.

I didn't grow up with boys and I am not sure what to do with them. This will be a new adventure and God has surely surprised me. This is the first boy in our family!

A boy! A son!

Crazy!

One Year.

I can't believe it.  My baby is one. The baby I doubted would come is here and turning more and more into a big girl each day. 

On top of the immeasurable blessing she is, I am pregnant with a baby I REALLY thought would never come. 

Driving to Emily's party, I couldn't help but feel more blessed than I deserve. 

All those tears. All those angry shouts at God. All the while He was just arranging all i have to fit His timing.

The adoption wait can be grueling. It can break your heart.  

These days my heart is broken for a different reason. 

I am broken before a God that would choose to love me so deeply. 

With all my doubt and all my fear, He still gives such good gifts. 

If you are waiting for a child through adoption or pregnancy, don't lose hope. 

It will happen and it will be a blur and the next thing you know you'll be singing Happy Birthday.  

Luke 1:37

So we are those people.

Those people who adopt and then get pregnant.

You read that right. I am pregnant.  9 weeks tomorrow. 

I never really thought I would be.

 I am going to spare all of you the details but Sully and I have had the, hmm how should I say this, same “family planning strategy” for the past 5 ½ years. Nothing has changed expect our understanding of God’s plan.

Today, we had a consultation with one of the doctors we are looking at using.  A big banner hangs on the outside of the office.

“nothing shall be impossible.”

We are beyond shocked.  On New Year’s Eve when I got the positive on the test I sat on the floor in utter disbelief.  I think I am still floored.

I know that people say you should wait until after 12 weeks. Maybe we should but my mom experienced a number of losses, many of them after 17 weeks. We are never in control of the time we get to experience a life.   Genetically, I am at an increased risk of miscarriage and stillbirth. I am choosing not to focus on that.

I am going to focus on that Luke 1:37 verse.

I was sure that pregnancy would not get to be a part of our story but God had another plan.

Nothing shall be impossible.

So say hello to our little gummy bear.